Doubts
by hobbit-world
Summary: Seventeen years have passed since the Battle of the Five Armies. For Kíli seventeen years of doubts, grief and solitude. Not only had he lost Fíli but is he Thorin's heir now. Things get worse, as an Orc army attacks Erebor. The same Orcs that fought in the Battle of the Five Armies and have taken Kílis brother. But as it appears, this didn't only bring evil over the line of Durin.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any character of Tolkien.

* * *

 _"_ _Are you sure?" The pale Orc asked one of his subordinates. It took him some moments to answer._

 _"_ _Yes. He's still alive and no one is with him" A slight grin appeared on Azog's face._

 _"_ _What are you still standing here then? Go and get him." He looked after the Orc that almost ran away. "Go and get my prize"_

* * *

Seventeen years later Kíli was on his way to his uncles studies. As he had half expected, the king under the mountain wasn't alone, Balin and Dwalin were with him. Thorin offered his nephew a seat as well, cleared his throat and started talking.

"As you know, Dáin will come to visit us." Kíli almost sighed, he has never really liked his uncle's cousin. "Dwalin, Balin, you know what you need to do and Kíli, I want you to welcome our guests. In addition, I expect you to stay at my side for the rest of the day. You know what I mean" Now a sigh left the brunettes lips, of course he knew. Usually when there was a festivity, Kíli searched an apology that he didn't need to attend it. "I know, you miss your brother, but blimey lad it's been seventeen years now. Do you think your behaviour will make things better?" The boy wanted to say something, but was interrupted by Thorin. "It doesn't. We miss you, Kíli since that battle you aren't the same. It is as if we'd lost you too."

"I know" Kíli murmured. "Have you said what you wanted to say? I've got work to do" Without another word he stood up.

"You may go. But when you've finished, please come back here again. We need to talk." Nodding the youngest left the room and returned to his own study. But he didn't continued writing the document he was working on before he was sent to his uncle. Instead he leaned his head onto his arms which were on his desk. He was aware that he should approach his family and friends more, however, he couldn't. Better said he didn't even really want it. If there at least was be a tomb, everything would be better. But unfortunately the Orcs didn't just kill his brother, they have also carried off his body. Countless times Kíli wanted to go after them that they could pay their last respects do Fíli, every time he was stopped. Now it would already be too late, he thought to himself. Someone knocked at the door, when the lad looked up he saw Dwalin standing there.

"Just as I've imagined" the warrior said and marched towards Kílis desk, crossing his arms. "Mind doing a sparring? Looks like you won't work anymore, will ye?" The prince shrugged his shoulders and got up.

"Yes, I'd like that. Thanks" For this proposition the dwarf was truly thankful, at least for some hours he could think of other things.

Although it was only a yearly visit from Dáin, the king under the mountains spared no expenses for the festivities. What Kíli hated most about it that he had to wear his crown, which under other circumstances would be his brother's. Sometimes he couldn't believe that he now was heir to the throne and felt guilty for simply replacing his brother. Furthermore there were things Kíli was sure, Fíli could have done better, after all Thorin schooled him for the position. Haven't his uncle ever though that something could happen to Fíli? And what this would mean for Kíli and therefore educate him too?

As always Dáin walked into Erebor as if it he lived there and every time he would slap Kíli on the back.

"How ye're doin' lad?"

"Fine" he groaned. "As always. You're being awaited" On their way to the throne hall the elder dwarf began talking about random things he experienced in the past year. Every once in a while the spoken to nodded or mumbled words of agreement and was relieved to finally reach the hall. One last time, at least for the next few hours, Dáin patted his shoulder and made his way towards his cousin. Sighing Kíli followed him slowly and placed himself at Thorin's side. As his uncle smiled at him he smiled back and it wasn't one of his half-hearted ones, it was real.

During the banquet he only said something when he was spoken to. Nevertheless he listened carefully to the others when they talked, even if it didn't really interest him, mostly because it didn't concern him. But suddenly he perked up his ears.

"You've ever considered searching a wife for your nephew? He's the only one to continue the line of Durin. How old are ye, Kíli?"

"Ninety-four."

"Perfect age for a marriage and children, isn't it?" Fortunately Thorin answered for him.

"I won't force him to marry anyone, let alone to have children. He will do himself when he's ready" Although he didn't express it, Kíli was grateful. If his uncle really had tried to marry him to a she-dwarf, Kíli would have left Erebor. A hand on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts, of course it was Dáin.

"Whenever you wanna see some pretty dwarrowdams, you are welcome every time"

"Well, thanks. I'll think about it." Kíli lied. To his relief Dáin didn't say more about that topic and Kíli relaxed a bit.

When the feast was over, he was glad that he was allowed to retire to his rooms. Shortly after he heard a knock on his door and was kind of surprised to see Thorin standing in the door frame.

"I just wanted to thank you." He simply said. "Did you enjoy it at least?"

"Somewhat, yeah"

"That's good. And I'm sorry for what Dáin said about a marriage. You know, you needn't marry if you don't want to. After all you're still quite young. You've got plenty of time left."

"Thanks uncle" To the surprise of them both he embraced Thorin. "And I'm sorry"

"It is alright. No need to be sorry. About what, anyway?"

"Don't know. My behaviour maybe?"

"Are you talking about yesterday?" Kíli just nodded. "Well, you must know, I didn't really mean it. Of course you have every right to mourn your brother. It seems I'm sometimes forgetting that his loss also placed a duty on you. And don't think I wouldn't miss Fíli too… I feel so guilty for sending you into those towers. I should have known better" Wearily he sat down on his nephew's bed so that Kíli couldn't help comforting him.

"It isn't your fault. You couldn't know it was a trap. The only one to blame is Azog."

"Thank you. By the way, Dáin has offered you to come with him for some time. Don't you think you could need some kind of holiday?"

"Really? I mean you would allow me to accompany him, don't you need me here?"

"I'm sure I'll manage that, you needn't worry about me."

"Alright then, I'll think about it" This time, Kíli meant it.


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later, the dwarf had decided to accept Dáin's offer and spend some weeks of even months in the Iron Hills. He may have heard a lot about them but has never seen them with his own eyes. Hesitating he knocked at the door of Thorins work room to inform him about his plan.

"That's nice to hear, lad." Kíli just smiled and murmured he would go and tell Dáin, whereupon his uncle nodded. Since the banquet he had seen Thorins cousin only twice for a short moment, there was no time to talk to him. The red haired dwarf seemed a bit surprised that Kíli acquiesced.

"Well then, make yourself ready, as you know we'll leave at dawn."

"I will. Thank you."

"Nothing to thank, just be on time" Dáin offered him a smile and patted his shoulder. Back in his rooms, Kíli started packing his things. Some spare clothes, weapons and things to write. Some weeks after the battle he started occasionally writing letters to his brother, which he kept under his bed, hoping there would one day be a tomb. He never told anyone about those letters, but every now and then he would reread them. For a while he considered taking the letters as well, when he recalled he would only be gone for some months. He was lost in thoughts that he almost forgot it was time for dinner, he only realised it, when he noticed his mother standing in his room.

"Thorin told me you would go" Frowning Kíli looked at her.

"You don't like it, do you?"

"No of course not, I'm just astonished you decided to go. Please promise me to be careful."

"I will. You know, I haven't done anything risky, since…" he gulped. Dís already knew what he wanted to say and put an arm around his shoulders.

"Yes since you've lost your brother" Now Kíli had enough and stepped away from his mother. But he could see that also she seemed sad now. Quickly she took a deep breath. "Anyway, the reason why I came: Thorin wanted to know whether you'd join us for dinner"

"Dinner? Oh my, I completely forgot about that. Hang on a second, I'm coming" With that he put down what he held in his hands and then nodded. "Let's go"

Obviously Thorin had told his friends already that Kíli would leave them for some time, while they were eating almost everyone was talking about it. Somehow it annoyed the brunette dwarf but on the other hand he enjoyed being the focus of attention, like he used to years ago when Fíli still was with them.

They had barely finished their meal, as guards entered the royal dining hall.

"My king", one of them said, bowing "We were told to inform you that our scouts made out an army of Orcs. As it seems they may come right here"

"Is that so?" He didn't wait for an answer and rose. "We shouldn't discuss that kind of topic here. Let's go to my study. Dwalin, Kíli, I'm sorry." Understandingly nodding, the younger dwarf took a last bite, stood up as well and joined his uncle's side. Of course he hoped, the Orcs wouldn't be coming to the mountain, since the battle he hadn't seen any Orc, which he was glad about. Having reached the study, Thorin told one of the guard to get Dáin for it was also of his concern. If the Orcs would really come here, he couldn't travel home, it was far too dangerous. Not wanting to repeat everything, the king suggested to wait until his cousin was there as well, which was surprisingly soon.

"Did the scouts say anything about their strength?" Dwalin wanted to know.

"They weren't as precise as other times. Maybe between five hundred and a thousand. We believe they're from Gundabad. Orders, my king?"

"No one is to leave that mountain until we know more. When they're coming here, we must fight. I'm sorry Dáin, you'll have to postpone your departure."

"What about the people in Dale?"

"Should that scum attack us, we'd provide cover for women and children. Dwalin, please instruct our warriors, Kíli I want you to help him. Guards, close the front gate and ensure no one leaves Erebor." Everyone agreed and began to execute the commands.

The next morning they received the message that he Orcs indeed headed to the Lonely Mountain, so the dwarves of Erebor were told to arm themselves and be prepared for the fight. As it had been confirmed that the Orcs came from Gundabad, Kíli felt rage burning inside him, one he hadn't felt since Azog dropped Fíli to his feet. With every day he regretted his reaction more, if only he had just stayed near his brother, the Orcs might wouldn't have taken him. Instead he had to storm off and kill any Orc that crossed his way, his only thought was revenge on Azog. Rapidly he banished the memory, elsewise the fury would overcome him even more during the battle which was upon them. Nevertheless he made a promise to his brother, he would kill as many Orcs as possible. Thorin entered his room.

"Are you sure, you want to go?"

"Of course I want. Don't you dare stopping me."

"Promise, I won't, but please consider what happened… last time. Don't let your temper overpower you and get yourself into trouble. The kingdom needs its heir, maybe I won't make it."

"Don't say that. We will fight, we will win and survive."

The most difficult thing for Kíli was waiting for their enemies, already two times Thorin and Dwalin had to tell him to calm down. When they finally could catch their first sight of the Orcs, Kíli was on one hand relieved on the other hand more anxious than before. From then on, things went on faster and the young dwarf took hold of one of his daggers. It wasn't his actually, it was his brothers. Just in this moment, Kíli saw who their leader was and froze. Azog.


	3. Chapter 3

How was it even possible that Orc was still alive? He thought his uncle had at least killed him seventeen years ago. Kíli clenched his fist und threw a glance to Thorin, he seemed confused and angry as well.

"No. How can this be?" he snarled "What does it require to kill him once for all?"

"Thorin" Kíli slowly said. "What happened during your fight with Azog? You never told me everything"

"That filthy scum almost got me, if it hadn't been for Bilbo I'd be dead."

"Yes, I know that. Can you be more specific?"

"Do you really think this is the right time for this?"

"Well, I don't know. Please?"

"Alright. Azog managed to break the ice and fell into the water beneath it. I thought it would have killed him. But he jumped up again, I was on my back, Azog above me. Fortunately I could put my sword under his. When I was about to let go, Bilbo ambushed him, stabbed him in the stomach. Then he began dragging me away, well actually it was Dwalin. We all thought, the Orc was dead." The brunette sighed.

"Now it makes at least sense why the Orcs took Fíli. It was indisputably Azog's doing. Oh how I will kill him for that."

"I know you wish to avenge your brother but always remember not to do anything reckless again. Do you understand?"

"Yes I do." He turned his head towards his uncle. "We could do it together. It would be safer and we'd both get our revenge" To his surprise Thorin chuckled a bit.

"Sure. And I almost bet, we'll see your mother on the battlefield. I already tried to make her stay inside the mountain, but you know her." Also Kíli smiled.

"Yeah, I can imagine that. Would you send her back if you saw her?"

"Probably. But I also know I wouldn't have the slightest chance to do so." By this time the Orc army has reached the front gate of Erebor. If Kíli had had his bow he wasn't sure whether he would have shot his uncle's nemesis. Instead he hardened his grip on Fíli's dagger. Tension nagged at him, never had he felt so ready to fight. Only now he started wondering why the Orcs came back to Erebor. Wanted they finish what they had started seventeen years ago? Thorin draw himself up to his full height and spoke in a disdainful voice: "What are you doing here?"

"Nothing, I just want what belongs to me and revenge."

"Here is nothing you could claim yours and it should be us that want vengeance." the king under the mountain yelled.

"We shall see. Surrender now and we will spare women and children."

"Never will I yield. Especially not if it concerns you. You wouldn't keep your word"

"You're right Oakenshield, I wouldn't" Once again Thorin growled.

"I've heard enough." He said in a low voice. "We will wipe out those bastards." They left the pinnacle and stood in front of the closed gate, where the king said some words to encourage the soldiers. Next he ordered to open the gate and close is as soon as everyone was out to guarantee safety inside the mountain.

Entering the fray at his uncle's side once again filled Kíli with pride and joy, but also with sadness for his brother wasn't here. Then he remembered his promise and felt slightly better. Already after the first few metres he had killed some Orcs and wasn't sure if the satisfaction he felt was entirely right. He decided to pay no attention to it and rather concentrate on the battle. As far as he could see, more Orcs have fallen than dwarves or Men. Surprisingly, when they were offered protection for the ones that wouldn't fight, most of the Men of Dale were determined to help the dwarves. And Kíli was thankful for it, after what happened in the Battle of the Five Armies he would have understood if they didn't want to fight again. After all it was their fault the Orcs attacked them years ago. And their uncle almost caused a war between Men, the Elves of Mirkwood and Dáin's dwarves. Thus he was in some way glad that the Orcs came because the others have forgotten about their dispute and fought side by side.

Abruptly Kíli was jolted out of his memories as a huge Orc approached him and without thinking about it, the dwarf ducked down. As his opponent wanted to jump over him, he raised his weapon, slicing the Orc's inner thigh open. It squealed and swung his sword in random directions, it took a stroke of luck that Kíli didn't get hurt. Before the creature could overcome his rage, the brunette had already brought his sword down into its head. He mumbled something that fury wouldn't help to win. Countless times he was told the very same thing himself during a training lesson. In addition he had experienced it seventeen years ago. Once again he had to push his thoughts away, as another Orc ran towards him, this time it took a bit more to overpower him and in the end Kíli got a small cut on his right arm.

Minutes passed, but victory seemed far ahead, the dwarf was wondering if the even could defeat their enemies, as Thorin called him.

"Ready?" he asked. "We will kill Azog, if we succeed, the other Orcs will flee. It might me our only chance."

"And it's what I want most right now. Let's do it" Encouraging the younger of them nodded and listened to Thorin's plan.

"You won't do anything on your own, have I your word?"

"Yes, you have." Killing a respectable number of Orcs as Kíli made his way towards Azog, he felt more excited with every creature that died at his hands. When he reached some of the pale Orc's guards, he didn't get much further because after he had killed the first of them, he tripped over something an Orc had just dropped. Better said thrown to the ground ere he turned tail and ran. Cursing Kíli wanted to get up, as he noticed it wasn't something that brought him down but rather someone. Immediately the pale Orc was pretty much forgotten, instead he quickly looked around him until he spotted Thorin, who would still need some time until he got to the place he needed to be. Before he could take down Azog, he felt obliged to take care of the person at his feet. First of all, he removed the itchy hood that covered the person's head. Having done so, Kíli just wanted to cut through the bonds as he caught a glimpse of the face. Staggering back, he took a deep breath and thought his senses were playing a trick on him. This simply could not be Fíli.

Could it?

* * *

Hey I just wanted to ask, whether you like the story so far. If you find any mistakes, I'd be glad if you could tell me because English isn't my native language and I'd like to improve my language skills.

This first 3 chapters were kind of a prologue, now it get's really started, therefore the following chapters will (hopefully) be longer.


	4. Chapter 4

Without hesitating he crawled towards his brother und cradled him after the bonds were gone. Of course he couldn't believe it. His only problem right now was he could not defend themselves because he had dropped his weapon and held Fíli instead. Soon his brain told him to get help otherwise they wouldn't be alive anytime soon. Therefore he called his uncle's and Dwalin's names, hoping Thorin wouldn't wait for him to tackle Azog. Instantly he regretted arresting attention for an Orc, probably one of Azog's guards, rushed towards them. Fortunately he stopped half a metre before he reached them, Thorin had struck his sword in the creature's body.

"I told you not to do anything on your own. And what are you doing? Sitting around on the battlefield and almost getting yourself killed." In his rage the king didn't seem to recognise the dwarf, Kíli held in his arms.

"I'm sorry. But you need to help me. Help us. We-we have to get him inside the mountain" Before Thorin could speak again, he had to kill another Orc. Then he realised and was on his knees beside his nephews.

"How?" He stammered. He held out his hand to touch Fílis hair but stood up instead then. "We need to take him to safety. Can you walk or should we carry you?" As Kíli had half expected, his brother didn't answer, so Thorin didn't waste a second and lifted him up. "Kíli, retrieve your sword and clear our way." The young dwarf nodded and did as he was told, in a minimum of time they reached the front gate. "Open the gate, quickly", Thorin bellowed and as soon as it was halfway open, he directed his younger nephew inside Erebor, placing Fíli cautiously on his feet. Immediately Kíli took hold of him that he wouldn't fall over. "I'll go and fetch Óin, you stay with him… why don't you run him a bath?" Then he turned around, left the mountain and ordered to close the gate again. Wondering, why his uncle had to get Óin and not another healer, the brunette led his brother to the bathrooms. Gently he seated him on a chair and began heating up some water. Not knowing what else to do, he looked for another seat and spotted a chair which he dragged next to his brother's.

"Oh Fíli", he sighed, "I-I don't know what to say. We thought we had lost you. How do you feel?" The blonde slightly shook his head, which Kíli took as a 'not good'. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Again a mute no. Until the water was warm enough Kíli didn't say more, having decided to give Fíli some time. Next he lifted the pot with the hot water inside it and poured it inside a bathtub. He put the pot back to the fire. "It's still too hot. You could undress yourself, whilst I'm getting you some clothes, alright?" This time Fíli nodded and Kíli couldn't help but smile. "I'll be right back, don't worry" He promised ere slipping out of the room and running towards the royal accommodations. Without even thinking about it, he opened the door to Fílis rooms, which have been empty for the past two decades. No one had the heart to live there, so they just left everything as it was. This also hit Kíli now because there were of course no clothes for Fíli. So he stormed out of the room, not wasting much thought on closing the door behind him, as he almost ran into his mother. He decided to ignore her and went into his own quarter to get one of his tunics. He didn't want to leave Fíli alone abundantly.

"What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be in the battle, instead you're running around like mad and were in your brother's room in which you haven't been for almost ten years." His mother asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"No time to explain sorry." He breathed, gently pushed her out of his way and hurried towards the bathrooms. To not startle Fíli, he knocked at the door. "Fíli, it's me, Kíli. I'm coming in now, okay?" Of course there wasn't an answer so he gradually pushed the door open. His brother squatted on the ground, knees at his chest. He only had removed his shirt, if you could call those rags one. "Are you alright?" the brunette wanted to know, depositing the clothes on one of the chairs, before crouching down next to Fíli. Tenderly he put an arm over his shoulders and leaned his head against Fílis. As he wanted not to push him, Kíli once again said nothing, but made soothing noises. Suddenly he could feel his brother move and immediately hugged him a bit tighter.

"Kí-Kíli" Fílis voice was only above a whisper, nevertheless it lightened the other dwarf's mien.

"It's alright, I am here. You're save now"

"A-azog…"

"Don't think about him. You are beyond his reach. Uncle will take care of him." His brother nodded. "Do you want me to help you?" He nodded again. "Okay." The brunette helped his brother to get up. "Would you rather undress yourself while you can lean onto me or should I take off your clothes?"

"You. Please"

"Then put your arms around my shoulders and hold on to me" Kíli was about to remove Fíli's trousers, as a knock at the door interrupted them.

"Kíli? Are you in there?" It was Dís and Kíli groaned.

"Don't come in please."

"Is everything alright? It seems, as if you're talking to someone." She started to press the door handle down, as Kíli desperately tried to stop her.

"No mum. Don't!" But it already was too late and their mother had opened the door. For a second her eyes roamed until she fastened her eyes on the brothers. Inhaling shocked, she covered her mouth with her hand and sank into the next chair. Kíli didn't know what to do, so he led Fíli down to the floor and sat down beside him. Only now he examined Fílis upper body, discovering an immense number of scars, bruises and even a few burn scars. There were also some fresh cuts, hardly older than a week. He didn't even want to imagine how his back must look. After a while, Dís stood up and took her eldest in her arms, a few seconds later Fíli started to hug her back. That was the moment, Kíli noticed some tears running down his brother's cheeks and was affected deeply. Never had he seen his brother cry, not even back in Laketown when he was at the point of death.

"Oh honey." Automatically Dís pressed him tighter against her body as she became aware he was crying. "You need not fear, it is alright." Fíli just whimpered so that Kíli had to put a hand on his back and approached more. "We all have missed you so much, darling" For some seconds she waited until she lightly kissed his head. "Come on, let's get you washed before the water is too cold." The blonde nodded and brushed his tears away. While his mother helped to undress him, Kíli checked the water temperature once more. Then Dís committed Fíli to the care of her cadet, who assisted him to climb inside the bathtub. As the warm liquid came into contact with his open wounds, he winced in pain.

"It will get better" Kíli assured. Fíli only threw him a short look, sat down and tucked his legs up. Shortly after, their mother came back with a piece of cloth and a soap which she handed to the brunette.

"If you approve of it, we will help you." When the former heir bowed assent, his mother smiled, asked for the cloth and dabbled it. Someone knocked at the door and they all recognized Thorin's voice, he had found Óin and wanted to know, if they had finished the washing. Sighing, Dís gave the clout back to Kíli. "Stay here with him, I'll deal with Thorin" Once Dís had left the room the younger prince rubbed the cloth against the soap to apply some of it.

"If it hurts, let me know. But I promise I will be careful." As he began washing his brother, the older one closed his eyes and seemed to relax a bit. Sooner than Kíli had expected, they were done. "What now? Would you like to stay a little longer or get out of the water?" Fíli muttered something under his breath and although Kíli thought it wasn't directed at him, he broached the subject again. The blonde flinched visibly, his eyes flickered in his direction.

"What's the use of a bath when…" He seemed to struggle for words "when you send me back anyway?"

"Send you back? How did you get that idea? No one will do something like that. I won't ever let an Orc come near you again. And you don't have to leave that mountain unless you wish to. Do you hear me?"


	5. Chapter 5

After Kíli helped his brother to get out of the bathtub and dress him, he just had to embrace him again. To his surprise, their uncle was waiting outside and told Kíli to follow him. This time Fíli insisted on walking on his own. His brother was quite fine with that, at least he could watch him better. Since Kíli has become seventy, he had been taller than his older brother. Usually Fíli used to compensate that height difference by his bearing and behaviour. But now he really seemed smaller than ever. Because it hurt Kíli to see him like this, he dismissed the thoughts and focused on his uncle. Soon the dwarf realised where the eldest was heading to.

"Wouldn't it be better to bring him to healing rooms?"

"No. I don't want that everyone sees him like that. And he needs to rest, in his chamber he is more likely to sleep. More importantly, it is more comfortable." In Fíli's room Óin and Dís were already waiting for them. Kindly the healer bid the blonde to take a seat on the bed, which he did without protest.

"Very well. I need to check you and treat your injuries" Thereupon Fíli nodded and took off his shirt when he was told to. After the elder dwarf had carefully examined the prince's body, murmuring occasionally incomprehensible things, he asked Thorin to get him his bag. He searched for something and brought out a little jar with some kind of ointment in it. Lavishly he applied it on the fresher wounds, the larger ones he also bandaged. Then he turned towards the others standing in the room. "I fear his left wrist is sprained and the right forefinger broken"

"But…" Kíli stopped short "But why didn't he say anything?"

"Think about it. He's been with Orcs for almost two decades. Do you think he ran to his tormentors with any such small injury? Besides" He lowered his voice "I suppose he got used to the pain." The brunette lowered his head. "However, the problem is I have to break his finger again. It is already healing but not as it should, if it grows together like this, he won't be able to move it anymore without ache." The king nodded.

"Alright"

"Alright? It's anything but alright" Kíli exclaimed.

"I know, lad" Óin tried to soothe him. "I wouldn't do this if was another finger. But you know, the index finger is important and much used. Or would you rather he felt pain every time he stirred it?"

"No" He recognized the defeat and the healer nodded, ere he had to tell Fíli what he intended to do. Wide-eyed the dwarf stared at him and wanted to shake his head but froze instead. Feeling guilty, Kíli sat down next to his brother. "I know, I don't approve of it either but I swear you, this will be the last time anyone hurts you purposefully. You heard what Óin said, elsewise it would hurt in future and please don't say that's what you want" It took another minute to convince the blonde and that's something, the youngest felt worse about, almost forcing his brother to let it happen. Nevertheless he was still surprised, as Fíli grabbed his hand. One last time the healer talked to Fíli and took his right hand. Some seconds later a gruesome cracking sound could be heard, at which Kíli flinched. With that, he even showed more reaction than his brother.

To everyone's relief Óin soon finished the treatment and wished to speak them outside the room, among others because he wanted Fíli to get his well-deserved rest. Outside Kíli learned it was evening already and was astonished that much time had passed.

"I'm very worried about the lad." the healer stated. "Did you see his reaction when I broke his finger? He barely winced, I've never seen something like that before."

"Do you think, they've done that to him before?" Kíli gulped.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You mean it isn't the first time the Orcs broke a finger?"

"This. Or they did other, far crueller and worse things to him" Although the other had already thought of that, they were shocked to hear those words. Dís pressed her hand firmly against her mouth and was on the verge of tears. She may was a tough woman, but when it came to her dearest, she was extremely emotional. Reassuringly, Thorin hugged her and proposed he would lead her to her rooms. Also Óin made for home, telling them they should call for him if some injuries got worse or they had another problem. As soon as he had brought Dís to her chamber, Thorin met Kíli waiting outside.

"I need to ask you something."

"Go on"

"Wouldn't it be better if one of us stayed with Fíli? Just in case he has a nightmare or if he feels afraid." Slowly Thorin stroked his bearded chin.

"Indeed, this would be a good idea. I suppose you'd like to be the one doing this."

"Yes… and there is something else. What about Azog, is he finally dead?"

"No. At least I don't think so. When I went out again to get Óin, I overheard Azog yelling at one of his fellows in Black Speech. He obviously noticed Fíli's absence. However, he killed the Orc he talked to and seemed to have given an order for all Orcs pulled back."

"I'm wondering why they even took Fíli with them. But I'm more than thankful for it."

"That was my thinking too, but what I guess is that Azog might wanted him as a leverage." This seemed very plausible to the brunette.

"One more question… If Azog really had extorted you with the help of Fíli, would you have agreed?" For a while Thorin thought about the question.

"Difficult to say. It depended on what he claimed. If it only was gold, of course I would have given him some. If he wanted me instead… I think I would have gone. But if he had wanted Erebor… you must understand Kíli, you can't let a nation perish just for the fate of one dwarf. Not even its heir."

"So this means you're going to make Fíli your rightful heir again?"

"Of course I will, if he wants it though and is able to cope with the duty."

"Do you think he will ever be the same?"

"Probably not the same, but I assure you he will get better. Remind, he has been abused and Mahal-knows-what for seventeen years"

"Should we tell him it were seventeen years? I mean if he doesn't know and asks"

"Later, Kíli. We're going to tell him everything he wants and needs to know, but for now we have to give him time. First of all he needs to recover from his external wounds. By the way, talking about withholding information. Please don't tell anyone about this until I tell you otherwise. I don't want everyone to know about Fíli and having a concourse in his quarters or that anyone… sees him like this. If he is to become king one day, this would cast a poor light on him, people would start doubting whether he is a suitable heir. The lesser dwarves know, the better."

"I understand and won't tell anyone."

"Very well. Probably you should go now. Not that I want to dismiss you from that conversation, but you'd better look after your brother" They wished each other a good night and Kíli wasn't able to make out in which direction his uncle was going because he entered Fílis room again. He was still sitting on the bed, like he did when they left him alone. The only difference was that tears trickled down his cheek, which made the brunette's heart ache. Whether his brother had noticed him, he didn't know, so he softly said his name. As there was no reaction, Kíli took a seat on the bed as well.

"Are you alright? Can I do something for you?" An idea stroked him. "I could get you something to eat. Would you like that?" This time Fíli shrugged and then wiped his tears away.

"Do-don't go. Please?"

"I won't. Actually I came here to stay with you during the night." To show him he really was going to stay, Kíli took off his over shirt as his fingers brushed a dagger. Smiling he took it out and wanted to give it back to its owner, when he hesitated. What if Fíli used it to do something stupid, what if he hurt himself? Shaking his head, he banished this thoughts, gently gripped his brother's hand and placed the knife in it. "This belongs to you"

"But it was broken. A-azog broke it" Fíli explained.

"I know. I had to fix it for you" Instantly he was reminded how he went into that tower once again to look for Fíli. He had hoped they would only have overlooked him somehow. Somewhere lay his sword, not far from it the dagger, its blade broken into half. "You should try to sleep. You've been through a lot." His brother obviously wanted to protest but the brunette insisted. "It's alright. I'm right here." He stood up, got a chair that stood at the desk and moved it next to the bed. "You are save here, okay? If you have a nightmare, I will wake you." Slowly his brother did as he was told and laid down. "Good." Gently Kíli stroked his forehead once. Fíli closed his eyes after a while and the younger prince muttered "You've always protected me and watched over me, brother. You've always been there for me. Now it's my turn"


	6. Chapter 6

Some days later Óin came back to check on his patient. So far he was quite satisfied with his condition, before he left he needed to ask the others if there were any problems. The only thing that concerned Kíli that his brother still seemed to be afraid all the time and didn't talk much. Nevertheless he didn't say anything because he was sure this was normal. When the healer left the room, Kíli ran after him nonetheless.

"Óin wait. Can you tell me what the Orcs have done to him? I mean, is it possible to tell something, based on some injuries?"

"What do you want to know exactly?" Kíli took a deep breath.

"Has he been… raped?"

"No, I don't think so. At least from what I saw."

"Okay, thanks. That's good" With that the elder dwarf left and also the brunette returned to his brother.

Another four days later Thorin became a bit worried for Fíli only left the bed when he had to. He tried to convince him it would be better if he walked around a bit. Fíli only vehemently shook his head and huddled up more against the bed. It was Kíli who told his brother to calm down.

"You don't need to do anything you don't want. But please remember, you can't stay in the bed forever." Thorin said and left the room. Kíli lowered his head and returned to his own sleeping place on the ground. After it became obvious that Fíli didn't want to be alone, the brunette had almost moved in into his brother's room. To be honest, also Kíli wouldn't have liked to sleep in his own room, even if someone else had looked after Fíli. Not that he didn't trust them, he just wanted to be near his brother.

If only there was something Fíli could do because it hurt Kíli to see his brother sitting around and gazing into space. He only talked when he was spoken to. Not even when he wasn't in approve of something, in this case he only shook his head. Many times the prince tried to take Fíli along to training. Earlier he blonde would have agreed immediately, no matter how hurt or angry he was. Training was the word to bring him out of his room. Sometimes Kíli had to control himself not to shout at his brother. In a way, he thought, Fíli was actually dead. Only his body was there, but his brother gone.

"Are you sure you don't want to do anything? Probably if you were distracted you'd feel better" As he had guessed he didn't get an answer. "Don't worry, we can also do something for which you don't even need to leave that bed. How does that sound?"

"Not good"

"Then tell me please, what would you like to do?"

"Nothing"

"So you just want to sit around and… what are you even doing? Thinking? Looking at something?"

"Waiting" He frowned.

"Waiting for what?"

"An opportunity"

"To do what?"

"Can't tell" Because Kíli didn't want the conversation to stop he asked further. "You mustn't know. You will tell… _him_ "

"Come on, Fíli. I promise I won't tell anyone if you tell me. Please"

"To escape" this startled Kíli, what if he really tried to run away? Somehow he wanted to tell Thorin, but he promised. So he tried to sway him.

"You don't have to run away, we won't hurt you. If there is something you want us to chance then tell us. Whenever you need something just ask. And besides, if you run away you might get into danger. But here you are save"

"It's not save. They will come again"

"Are you talking about the Orcs? Fíli, they can't get you here. First of all, we would see them when they come near the mountain. They couldn't even enter it. And if they somehow could, what is impossible, they would have to walk through the whole mountain to come to our quarters. Someone would see and kill them." Suddenly the blonde blinked several times.

"No. I can't be back"

"But you are. You aren't with the Orcs anymore. You're in Erebor. Do you remember when we went on the quest to reclaim it?"

"Yes." Now the younger had no idea what to ask so he didn't say anything, but scolded himself for having ended the conversation.

In the evening Thorin entered the room and brought the both of them their dinner.

"I suppose he hasn't left the bed, has he?"

"No."

"Did he at least say something?"

"Yeah, we had a conversation, hadn't we Fíli?"

"Yes"

"Well that's great. What did you talk about?"

"I'm sorry, I promised not to tell anyone" He smiled at his brother, who looked at him in surprise. But Kíli planned to go after Thorin and tell him that Fíli had thought he was still a prisoner of the Orcs. About half an hour later they had finished their meal and Thorin took their bowls and wanted to bring them back to the kitchen. "Fíli, I need to ask uncle something. I will be back soon, okay. If you should need me, I'm just in front of the door" Slowly his brother nodded, then he left the room and closed the door. Suddenly he remembered that he hadn't spoken to Thorin alone since the day they found Fíli. "Uncle, wait"

"What is it, Kíli?"

"Fíli… when we were talking together he seemed to believe he was still captured. Only after a while he realised he was home. And he said that he's waiting for a chance to escape." Thorin frowned.

"Couldn't it be he meant he needed to flee from Gundabad? When you're saying he thought he was with the Orcs"

"Maybe, I don't know. But what should we do?"

"Nothing. We just continue as we did, keep talking to him. And try to make him leave the bed. By the way, I've told Dwalin and Balin that he's back."

"You mean, I should tell him to go to Dwalin?"

"If you want." He smiled at his nephew. "Or try to give him any other occupation." Gently he patted his back and moved on. Sighing Kíli went back in the room, where he found Fíli sleeping. Quietly he lay down on his own bed and because he hadn't slept much the previous nights he was asleep soon.

In the middle of the night his brother jolted up, with a short scream. Instantly Kíli was by his side.

"It's alright Fíli. You only had a nightmare. Look at me, you are in safety."

"Bu-but he is here"

"Who? Azog?" The blonde flinched at the name. "No he isn't. He can't"

"He is dead?" Kíli didn't dare telling him the truth but he also couldn't lie to him, so he stroked Fíli's arm.

"You don't need to worry about that filthy Orc" Once again Fíli winced.

"Do-don't"

"Don't what?"

"Call him that. He-he will…" He understood what he wanted to say.

"He would punish you when you called him that, didn't he?" His brother nodded. Carefully Kíli embraced him but soon felt his brother firmly clinging to him and pressed him tighter. "But you know, he isn't here, so if you want you don't have to call him Azog"

"No not Azog."

"What does that mean?"

"I-I must call him _shakh_ or _goth_ "

"May I ask what this means? You needn't answer if you don't want"

" _shakh_ is lord and _goth_ is master" It really hurt Kíli to hear that his brother was also humiliated by calling his tormentor master.

"I am so sorry. Please tell me, whenever I can do something for you." Fíli nodded and leaned his head against Kílis shoulder. Shortly after he fell asleep again and to not wake him, Kíli decided to stay awake for the rest of the night, maybe he could sleep some hours during the day.

As always it was Thorin who brought them their breakfast and waited until they had finished. This time he said nothing, but suggested his younger nephew to visit Dwalin today.

"Actually I wanted to propose this already. Thanks for spoiling the surprise" He feigned offended and crossed his arms. Laughing and collecting their bowls he patted Kílis back and wanted to do the same on Fíli. For a while he hesitated then drew his hand back because it didn't' feel right to touch him, he might could have taken it wrong and become afraid. Instead he cleared his throat and failed to notice the look in Fílis eyes.

"Well then I wish the both of you a nice day, we'll see us in the evening" It almost became a custom that Thorin would bring them breakfast, lunch was brought by their mother, who ate with them and in the evening it was again Thorin who gave them dinner.

"Same to you." With a nod in their direction, their uncle left the room and closed the door behind him. Only now Kíli saw how sad Fíli looked towards the door. Just as he wanted to ask, his brother said something without someone was talking to him for the first time in days.

"Thorin hates me, doesn't he? He's disappointed and ashamed of me."


	7. Chapter 7

"What?" Kíli exclaimed "Of course he doesn't hate you, neither is he disappointed or ashamed. He just doesn't want to hurt you"

"He also never talks to me. Only to you. He barely even looks at me." Despite the topic Kíli was kind of delighted his brother was speaking in whole sentences.

"I'm sure there's another reason for that. Probably he just can't believe you're actually back"

"Do you?"

"Of course, the only thing I can't believe is our luck that you're still alive"

"Luck? Rather misfortune"

"I'm sorry I didn't consider that."

"Neither did any of you consider rescuing me"

"Actually I was about to go after you, but I was stopped"

"There you see. Thorin didn't want to have me back. Probably he'd rather I died, then I wouldn't be such a disgrace"

"What are you talking about? Uncle would never think that. With due respect, Fíli, you are no disgrace. Look what you've survived."

"Unfortunately" For a while Kíli didn't know what to say.

"I assure you, it will get better. Maybe if you would distract yourself it would help. But I've already said that many times"

"And do what?"

"Well I don't know…We could carve something, I could get you pen and paper and you could draw, or write something. Or you could read a book. If you want we can also talk together. And this are only things you can do while you're in bed. So what do you say?"

"Don't know. I don't feel like"

"Then tell me what you would like to do? Should I bring you your weapons that you can clean them?"

"No" the blonde exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to creep you out."

"You couldn't know"

"Is this also the reason you don't want to train?"

"Please just stop talking about that"

"I'm sorry. Why don't we go and visit Dwalin? Or should I get him here?"

"I don't know. I'd rather stay"

"So I'll search Dwalin?" Fíli shook his head.

"No… I-I don't want to be alone. To many memories" The brunette couldn't help, but sigh.

"And would you like to talk?"

"Why can't you just stop it?" Kíli flinched at his brother's harsh voice and became a bit angry, although he didn't want to acknowledge it to himself.

"Alright. I'll leave you alone" Without another word he left his brother's side and returned to his bedroll on the ground. After a while he's gotten bored for the first time in days. Probably because he had hoped his brother would finally agree to do something else than just sitting around.

When their mother entered the room to bring them their meal, she soon noticed, something had happened. Only after they finished eating, she wanted to know what it was.

"It's nothing." Kíli didn't want to get counselled by his mother, but to his surprise Fíli answered the question as well.

"Maybe I've made him angry"

"No of course you haven't… I should have stopped earlier. You were right"

"So what were you doing then?"

"Making propositions what we could undertake together. I know, I shouldn't have pushed him"

"Oh I'm sure you haven't. You've might as well been a bit impatient, as always" She turned to her eldest "If he should annoy you, just tell him, as you used to when you were younger. You know how pig-headed he can be, if he's determined to do something" For a moment it seemed, as if Fíli chuckled lightly, then he nodded. Before Dís left, Kíli stopped her and addressed himself to his brother.

"Fíli, if you want to see Dwalin or Balin, we could ask mother to search them. Only if you approve of it." This time the blonde shrugged.

"Dwalin" he simply said. "You can look for Dwalin" Somehow the younger prince was astounded that he agreed.

"That's a great idea, honey" Gently she patted Fílis shoulder and then went away to search Thorin's friend. Soon she had an idea where to find him and headed to the training halls. She was right and found him there with a couple of younger dwarves. Three of them were tackling the warrior, but stood no chance to defeat him. The youngest of them was the first to notice Dís and hesitated. Within a second he was on the ground and Dwalin snapped at him never to get distracted by anything. Because he had his back turned towards the princess, he didn't see her.

"Bu-but Mister Dwalin… Look there" The young dwarfling defended himself and pointed at Dís. Now Dwalin turned around and was more than astonished to see her here. In all those years had she only been in the training halls thrice.

"Keep fighting, I'll be back" He said and made his way towards Thorin's sister, wiping away some of the sweat on his forehead. "I suppose Thorin sends you, doesn't he?"

"His nephews actually. Fíli would like to see you" The warrior cocked a brow.

"That's… great I suppose… I'll…" When one of the dwarves emitted a cry, he spun around and went towards them. "Haven't I told you to take care of each other? And you, Khanar, how many times do I have to tell you not to wail at any such little cut or blow you receive?" Slowly he walked towards his pupils and stood with his hands on his hips. For some seconds he stared at them "Go home now, I've got other appointments" At this, all of the boys cheered, replaced their weapons and left the hall. Dís wondered that Dwalin didn't insist to finish the training, usually he did, even if Thorin came with an urgent problem he presumably wouldn't send the kids home. In a way, the princess felt honoured because of that. After a while in which they walked in silence, Dwalin wanted to know: "How's the lad doing?"

"I don't really know" she confessed. "He doesn't leave his bed, except if he has to and barely speaks. But his external injuries are almost healed. To be honest, I'm more than worried"

"He'll be fine. Don't worry too much." Sighing Dís nodded. When they entered Fíli's room, she wasn't surprised to see both her sons sitting on the bed, remaining silent. But it did startle her that the blonde almost jumped out of the bed as his uncle's friend came towards the bed and hugged him. Kíli shared an astonished look with his mother, but soon they smiled. "I'd have expected you to be in the training halls in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Something's definitely wrong" He joked and Kíli just wanted to tell him to be a bit more careful, as they saw and heard Fíli chuckle. Actually for the first time since he was back. And for the second time in few moments he managed it to surprise his family members. Now Dís made his way towards her younger son and whispered:

"If I had known that, I would've brought Dwalin earlier." Fíli was meanwhile asked how he felt, whereupon he shrugged. "Should I get us something to eat? I know, we just had lunch, but I thought you wouldn't mind having some cookies, Dwalin. Or how about some tea?" Everyone nodded and Dís headed off to the kitchen to get the things. Meanwhile, the three dwarves sat down and Dwalin started asking Fíli some questions. But now even he received only short answers, nevertheless Kíli thought that he said more than when he was talking to him. As much as he wanted to join in in their conversation, he decided against it, hoping Fíli would continue to talk more. Soon their mother came back with a tablet on which were four cups of tea and a plate with biscuits. Occasionally taking a cookie or a sip of the liquid, the four of them sat together, sometimes discussing on different topics. As far as the brunette could tell, his brother seemed to feel comfortable. At least until Thorin entered the room, then not only Kíli noticed how the blonde flinched. Suddenly the prince remembered what he and his brother were talking about that morning. If he should tell him what Fíli believed? On the other hand he didn't want to betray his brother's trust.

"I'm tired and would like to sleep" Fíli said, putting his half-full cup aside.

"Of course. We'll leave you alone, darling" Dís kissed his head, collected all the cups and when she left the room she also told the other two dwarfs to come with her. To the brothers' relief, also Thorin left the room. Smiling, the younger of them went to his bedroll.

"Good night. Sleep well"

"No. I won't sleep" Somehow this statement remembered Kíli of the one of a little child.

"Oh, I just thought because you said…"

"I wanted them to leave. Well Thorin" Understandingly he nodded.

"Alright." He waited a while before he carefully continued. "But you must bear in mind that uncle loves you. Maybe if you only would talk to him, he would tell you the same."

"Thorin has always been good at lying"

"And we were particularly good at finding out when he did so, weren't we?"

"We were. As you said."

"Do you want me to leave you alone? Just tell me" Now Kíli has started to notice when his brother rather had had silence.

"Don't know. Maybe not." With a smile the brunette asked:

"So then, what would you like to talk about? Or wait, I've got a better idea"


	8. Chapter 8

Fortunately Fíli didn't react too badly to the fact that he was all alone for some minutes. Nevertheless he was more than glad that his brother returned, smiling broadly.

"I've got something for you" With that he hold both his hands in front of his body and presented a little pile of papers. Sitting down on the bed, he gave them to Fíli. "When I thought that I'd lost you, I started writing letters to you. All the time I hoped one day there would be a tomb so that I could place them there. But now as you're still alive and back, you can read them. Only if you want though. "

"You wrote letters? For me?" Not only could Kíli hear the surprise in his voice but also the gratitude.

"Of course I did. Why wouldn't I?"

"Be-because they were right"

"Who was right with what?"

"The Orcs. They said, you all wouldn't like me because I'm worth nothing"

"How dare those bastards say that? This is not true at all. Do you hear me? We all love you and you are almost everything to me. You worth more than you ever thought, you're a prince of Durin, for Mahal's sake. Moreover, you are the heir to the throne of Erebor, the mightiest dwarven kingdom in Middle Earth"

"Not anymore. He made you his heir."

"Only because we thought you were dead. The kingdom needed an heir"

"Yet that doesn't change the fact that I was replaced"

"No. You should have seen Thorin and how much this decision hurt him. But if you want, you shall become the heir again. Uncle proposed it himself"

"What a flatterer. Now that I'm back. What makes him think I would want that?"

"That you must ask him yourself. I don't know."

"To be honest…. I never really wanted to be the heir. Did you ever realise that in our youth it was you who was free and me who had all the responsibility? That also included much less free time."

"So you mean you were jealous?"

"Maybe. Don't remember"

"You know what? Sometimes I envious because you were older"

"Really?" Kíli could hear some disinterest in his voice.

"Yes I was. Because you could already train with Dwalin, while I had to watch. Later, you could go out as long as you wished to and I had to stay at home. Uncle has taken you to a hunting trip, I needed to help mother"

"Instead you needn't accompany uncle to meetings and other boring stuff."

"Well once I had to. And also when he was planning our quest to Erebor" As so often Fíli shrugged.

"I hate it"

"What do you hate?"

"Erebor" For some seconds Kíli didn't know what to say, then he simply wanted to know why. "Look at all the problems it brought with it. Some thousand dwarves are dead, Laketown is destroyed and its treasure almost caused a war. Actually it did."

"That is true. But it is our home"

"No. My home is in the Blue Mountains"

"Mine too, nevertheless it's our homeland. Where our ancestors lived. Isn't that great?"

"Fantastic" He groaned sarcastically. "In fact Khazad-dûm should be our homeland. Our ancestors used to live there for much longer than here."

"I see your point. I often thought about it too. But I guess Moria is definitely lost now."

"Except another dwarf started such a suicide mission again. It wouldn't astonish me if it was Thorin himself. If he does, promise me you won't go with him"

"You have my word. To be honest I can live with the thought that it's lost forever."

"I wish Erebor would have been."

"Don't tell uncle about it."

"I'm not stupid"

"Hey, I just wondered, you never actually saw how Erebor looks like now. Uncle says it's much like when he used to be a child."

"It looks the same as… then"

"That is just your room. We left it and hardly anyone ever entered it. Oh you should see the rest of the mountain"

"I've seen enough."

"So you don't really like how it looks like either?"

"Of course not. It's dark, monotonous, cold and caging. Much like Gundabad in fact" Kíli cursed.

"But why didn't you say anything? We could have lit up some more candles or even a fire. And we might put something colourful on the walls. What do you say?"

"He'd never do that"

"You mean Thorin? I'm sure he would do anything to make you feel as comfortable as possible"

"He got that about right"

"I admit, he behaved wrong towards you but if you just told him he could chance that. And you haven't said whether you'd liked us to modify your room"

"It's alright."

"You sure?" The blonde nodded. "Fair enough. Just tell us when you want something though."

"Didn't you ever want to go home?" Fíli changed the topic abruptly.

"Home?" He frowned.

"Yeah. To Ered Luin"

"Sometimes. But only if we could have our old lives back."

"Have you been there again?"

"No. I guess I somehow got used to the thought of Erebor being my home" Kíli sighed "And to be honest I'd like to make you feel the same or at least similar. If only I could show you around in Erebor but…" He stopped.

"But what?" Before Kíli found anything he could say, Fíli had already guessed the answer. "Thorin. He told you to make sure no one sees me, didn't he?" The brunette flinched and didn't say anything. "He is afraid that someone would notice how weak and what a blot in the line of Durin I have become? Am I right?" Now Kíli pressed his lips together and frantically searched for a suitable answer. "Am I right?" Fíli yelled.

"Uncle did it for you. That you are being left alone and that you can fully recover before he will tell everyone that you're alive. You can guess what kind of trouble that may cause" The blonde huffed.

"I've been being left alone for the past nine years or so. And did he really intend to lock me up in here until he thinks I'm appropriate enough again to be presented to his people?" Kíli could tell that his brother was furious. "You know what? I hate him too"

"Fíli, he is your uncle. You can't say such a thing!"

"As you see I can. And should I tell you another thing? I'm sure he hates me as well"

"Of course he doesn't!"

"Prove it"

"Well I can't. But he can. You just need to tell him what you feel"

"If you had a problem with Dwalin… would you tell him? After he asked you if you had one of course. Or wouldn't you say anything and try to behave towards him like you think it was best?"

"You know me. I would give myself away anyway."

"So you wouldn't tell him?"

"Hell no"

"See?"

"That's quite another matter"

"It isn't"

"Fine. But did you think if you just said nothing everything would sort out as you hope?"

"Hoping is never good" Kíli groaned.

"You don't want to get things straight?" Fíli remained silent. "Don't you dare saying you're fine with it because you are definitely not. Either you tell him or I will"

"No!"

"Alright. Then you'll do it."

"I don't want him to know"

"It hurts you. And you must admit you want it to stop. And it only will if you are honest. You don't even need to mention everything."

"What should I say then?"

"Maybe that you feel ignored by him? Or ask him why he doesn't talk to you."

"Maybe."

"So you'll do it?"

"I'll think about it" Because Kíli thought he did most he could he didn't say anything to push him further.

"Thanks" They kept the silence for some minutes before a gentle knock on the door was heard. Slowly the door was pushed open and Thorin came in. Being near his brother Kíli could hear him snort quietly.

"You're both still awake?"

"Couldn't sleep" Fíli stated. "What do you want?"

"I've brought you something to eat, Kíli. If you want something too I'll get you a plate as well"

"Oh you'd to that?"

"Of course" Obviously the king didn't hear the irony.

"Don't inconvenience yourself on my account."

"Fíli" Thorin said, handing the plate to his younger nephew and sitting down beside them "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I'm very well."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am or do you even doubt my judgement about my own welfare?"

"No I don't. Though you seem upset"

"Oh do I?"

"No you don't just seem you are upset" Thorin corrected.

"Well you never talk to me"

"But I'm talking to you just now"

"Yeah. Now you are"

"Do you want to say that I haven't talked to you in the past few days?"

"Among others"

"What else?"

"What else what"

"What does bother you as well?"

"You do."

"How do you mean that exactly?"

"Don't pretend you don't know. You know what I mean"

"No I don't" Once again Fíli snorted and turned his head to the side. "Come on, tell me please" The blonde shook his head. "Don't be stubborn, lad. Just talk to me."

"Oh now you want me to talk?"

"I never said I didn't"

"You didn't say it"

"But I've made you feel like I did." He received no answer. "I'm truly sorry for that. It was never my intention to hurt any of you, you have my word"

"Like those people of Laketown you've promised a fair share of your gold?" Now it was Thorin who was silent "You see, your word doesn't mean anything. One thing Azog was right about after all."

* * *

Also I am truly sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time. But I just couldn't because I was told quite harshly that my personal writing style was bad and absolutely weird, which really hurt. Plus I started having self-doubts again after that statement from a teacher(also because of other things that happend in the past). So _writing_ a story about a character (still my favourite though) who has self-doubts... yeah not the best idea.

Now I feel much better and intend to continue the story with hopefully more frequent updates than before.


	9. Chapter 9

To Kílis and also Fílis surprise the king wasn't angry.

"You're right. And I'm sorry, but I can understand when you are upset with me. You have every right to be."

"Of course I am. You ruined my life just for the sake of that darn mountain. Don't try to make that up now."

"I don't. All I try to do is get my nephew back. That is if I still can."

"Not like that"

"I know." Thorin sighed. "But I'd like to know how"

"That you have to find out for yourself. Now go" Kíli was relieved that Thorin left for he was also near to send him away because he didn't like the thought of them arguing.

Days passed by and yet Fíli didn't get better. At least the external wounds were healing, according to Óin who seemed pleased with himself and his patient. And he also was the only one that was unaware of the argument between nephew and uncle that still was noticeable whenever the two of them were in the same room. As much as Kíli wanted to make them talk to each other again, he didn't do anything, fearing he would get involved into the argument as well. Or far worse; his brother could get mad at him as well. Whatever Thorin tried to say or do to apologize to Fíli, his nephew never accepted it. Of course it wasn't their first argument they had but this seemed to be the worst ever. However, Kíli was glad that Fíli at least didn't try to run off as he did when he was younger and was in a fight with someone of the family.

At the thought of running off, an idea was struck on the heir and without much thinking he decided to talk to his brother.

"Would you like to go for a walk? We could also leave the mountain if you want. Some fresh air would be good for you"

"You think he'll let me?"

"Who?"

"Thorin, who else?"

"Why would he forbid you to leave this room?"

"Because he doesn't want anyone to see me, remember?"

"Oh, right" Kíli sighed when he remembered his promise to the king. "I'm sure we would find a way if you want to go out for some time. You could pull up a hood so that no one recognizes you. Or we'll sneak out during the night"

"For Mahal's sake, Kíli. Stop planning such things. I haven't said anything yet"

"Alright. Do you want to walk around and leave the mountain?"

"I don't know"

"Based on which part? The walk or being outside the mountain?"

"Both. I would indeed like to see something else than this room… but I don't want to run into someone. Or get lost outside or that…" Kíli imagined what his brother wanted to say.

"You're afraid you could bump into some Orcs, aren't you?" Fíli nodded.

"Well. If you like we could stroll around in the corridors near your room tonight? Then you could walk but no one would be around. What say you?" For some time the blonde remained quiet but to his surprise he nodded then. With a triumphant smile Kíli patted his hand and leaned back on his chair. "And what would you like to do now?"

In the end they did what they had been doing for days: sitting around and talking occasionally. The more time passed, the more nervous the dark-haired got. After they had gotten their dinner and the three of them ate in awkward silence, Thorin finally left. For another two hours or so the two princes chatted a bit, then it was eventually time to get out.

"Would you like a pair of my boots?"

"I…" Fíli hesitated, "I haven't worn any shoes for years. Can't I just go with socks?"

"Of course, whatever you want." First the brunette stood up then helped his brother out of the bed. By now Fíli was much stronger than he was some weeks ago, still Kíli tended to handle him with kid gloves. It didn't even come to his mind that Fili might didn't need any help at all. But for once he wanted to be there for his brother and help him, like the older did all his life. As Kíli wanted to support him while they were walking, the blonde's patience snapped. He broke away from the brunette and spat

"Leave me alone. I think I'm well able to walk on my own"

"O-okay" Kíli stammered more surprised than angry. Moments later he remembered his own reaction when Fíli wanted to help him walk to the boat that should bring them out of Laketown seventeen years ago. He pushed the blonde away and told him that he was fine and could walk. He smiled slightly and followed his brother to the door, where the older hesitated to open the door. "Alright?" Kíli asked frowning.

"Yes. It's just…"

"Shall I open the door? Or don't you want to go at all?"

"No. I would like to go. I just need a short moment"

"Fair enough. Whenever you're ready we shall go" It took about one minute until Fíli felt strong enough to open the door. With small steps he plodded out of his room and exhaled slowly when he was in the corridor. "Now, where would you like to go?"

"I don't know. I'll just follow you"

"Alright" Kíli started walking to the right, which would finally lead them to a wall after about 150 feet. After they reached it, Kíli turned round and went the same way back. Next to Fíli's bedroom he stopped. "Do you want to go further or are you tired?"

"Go further. But in the other direction"

"Of course" The brunette smiled and continued to walk. After a while he decided to initiate a conversation. "You know, we could go to the tailor or let him come so that you get some new clothes" Fíli just shrugged.

"I don't know."

"You mean you don't know about the tailor or the clothes?"

"Both"

"What if we just went to the tailor, I mean mum and I, and bought you some clothes?"

"Maybe" Kíli had no use for this vague answer but knew better than to ask the question again. A lesson he had to learn the hard way.

"Supposed we'd get you clothes… how would you like them? Which colours?"

"I don't care" the younger prince couldn't help but laugh.

"You don't care?" He laughed.

"Yes. Is that a problem?"

"That's unusual about you" Instantly the blonde froze but Kíli failed to notice it and continued walking and talking. "You've always chosen your…." He was interrupted.

"Stop it!" Startled the heir turned around "You have no idea" He shouted. "No idea how much I changed" Remorsefully Kíli bit his lip.

"Fíli, I… I'm sorry, I didn't…"

"No of course you didn't think of it. Not one second since I've been back. The only reason you take care of me is because you want to have your brother back. But know what? I'm not the person I used to be. You have no idea what happened to me. What they did to me. Not even the slighted idea" Once again Kíli tried to apologize but just as he said the first word Fíli ran away. It took the brunette some seconds to realize what had happened before he could think about what to do. Without much thinking he rushed after his brother, screaming his name. For once he didn't care if he woke the whole mountain, all he wanted was to find his brother before he got into some trouble. Which, Kíli was almost sure, he would.

Soon the prince had to admit that his brother was much fitter than he thought he was or should be after everything he had been through. First Kíli could see the older running in front of him but suddenly he lost him. He didn't even knew how, Kíli thought he could finally reach him, when Fíli dashed around a corner and when the brunette was in the other corridor as well, his brother seemed to have vanished. Yet Kíli didn't gave up and kept on racing, still calling his name. Occasionally he would also yell apologies and that he would try to make it up but Fíli didn't show up as the younger one hoped. Finally he came to a stop and braced himself against the wall, panting heavily. One last time he shouted his brother's name, then he realized he couldn't find him all alone. So he went back to the royal apartments and swallowed ere knocking at his uncle's door. To his surprise Thorin didn't wake up when Kíli started yelling after Fíli. However, he was incensed but to his relief the anger wasn't directed against Kíli. In times of great worry the king tended to react with a temper tantrum at first. Fortunately he calmed soon and was right in his mind again.

"We have to find him." He decided. "As soon as possible. I'll search Balin and you wake your mother. Then send her to Dwalin and you will continue the search where you've last seen him. Open some doors if necessary, I can very well imagine that he hid somewhere." Kíli nodded and rushed to his mother's room. Before he could knock, his uncle added "And we really need to hurry up. We have no idea in what kind of state he his. We cannot risk that something happens to him. Be it because of exhaustion, anxiety, other dwarves or whatever. For all I know he's definitely in no condition to be left all alone"

"I know" With this he knocked at the stony door while his uncle ran off.

* * *

Thanks to Guest for your review. I feel quite honored that you wrote your very first review ever for my story^^ And I'm happy to tell you that I've overcome all self-doubts and doubts about my writing (Somehow also due to the realization and proof that the teacher who told me this is an odd person) I hope to finish this story by the end of the year or that I have it written by then at least so that I can publish chapters more frequently.

Thanks to all readers for reading my story and sorry for another long wait.


	10. Chapter 10

The five dwarves searched for the blonde prince during the whole night. Kíli couldn't think of a place where they hadn't been looking for his brother. Some hours after sunrise Dís ordered him, though she was worried sick about her eldest, to retire to his room to get some sleep after all. Kíli only gave in when he was promised that the others would continue the search. But before the heir went to his own room, for the first time in weeks to sleep there, he threw a short look into his brother's room just to make sure that Fíli didn't return. With a sickening feeling in his stomach when he didn't spot the blonde, Kíli shuffled to his room. Of course it felt quite strange to lie in a real bed after such a long time and he almost laughed. If he felt this odd in his bed, how must his brother feel to lie on a soft padding after seventeen years captivity?

In the end it was Dwalin who found the elder prince and brought him back to his bed-chamber. Although Dís also promised to her younger son that she would wake him as soon as Fíli was found, she decided against it to make sure he could get some rest after all the trouble. In addition, she supposed that Fíli couldn't sleep either so it was better for him too to have some time for himself. Nonetheless the princess placed a small bowl with breakfast in each of her son's room, as Thorin wasn't there yet. Somehow, Dís thought, it felt as it used to be when they were back in Ered Luin after her sons had been out all night. Even though they would sleep until noon or longer, she always brought them breakfast and watched their sleeping forms from the doorstep a few moments, as she did now. Then she took a decision, went back to her own room, got her things for knitting and sat on the chair beside Fílis bed, producing some inches of new socks until the door was opened and Kíli entered.

"He's back?" He hissed, torn between relief that his brother was back and anger that no one told him earlier.

"Yes. Dwalin brought him back some hours ago."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I was about to do so when I came to the decision that it would be wiser to let you sleep for some time. As I know you, it wouldn't take too long until you're awake again, especially after what happened." Kíli only nodded and rubbed his jaw with his right hand.

"Is he alright?"

"He was tired when Dwalin dragged him here but else fine."

"Where has he been?"

"Dwalin said he found him in one of the mining tunnels."

"What in Durin's name was he doing there?"

"We don't know. Either he got there by chance when he wandered around without some kind of designation or he got lost. Or, probably, he was fully aware where he was going. Though I have no idea what his intention was to go there if this was the case."

"Maybe. I'll ask him, when he's awake"

"That's what I figured. Please just don't push him, alright, darling?"

"I won't. At least I hope so"

As Kíli hat imagined, he couldn't get much information from his brother, but when he contemplated it in his mind he could get his answer. When He asked Fíli, what he had been thinking when he ran away, the older just shrugged, as he did, when Kíli wanted to know, why he didn't come back or what he did in the tunnels. Later he asked, if his brother had an idea where he had been last night, whereat the blonde shook his head. So Kíli figured that his brother must have gotten lost.

When he was honest, the brunette had to admit that the incident turned Fíli even more withdrawn than he was before. The heir hoped that nothing bad happened during the time he was all alone out somewhere in the mountain. Maybe they were right and Fíli did have a panic attack or something else. Of course when he tried to talk to the only person who could give him an answer, he received none. While Kíli believed that his brother just didn't want to talk or have company at all, Dís figured that her firstborn just didn't want to be reminded of what happened after he ran away. However, she tried to assure the dark-haired, that nothing too bad could have happened as Fíli followed Dwalin without much protest when he was brought back.

The only time Fíli spoke when he wasn't asked something was, when Thorin talked to him or rather tried as he was interrupted by his older nephew and told to leave him alone. It seemed as if the nightly trip made him even testier, but he still wouldn't talk about it. The only who seemed to accept that was Dís and she wanted also her other relatives to stop pushing her eldest. She was sure that the blonde would tell them what happened once he wanted to talk about it and she would wait, even if it took years. All she wished was that her son got better with the time, which she was sure he would. Provided that her brother and Kíli gave him some space.

There was one thing that cheered Kíli up and made him feel doubtful at the same time. It was the fact that Fíli would soon turn a hundred years old, an age that was highly celebrated among dwarves. That, however, was the problem. He had no idea whether his brother wanted to celebrate or not. Besides, the brunette promised his uncle not to tell Fíli for how long he had been in captivity and if he told him about his upcoming birthday, the blonde could calculate how long he had been away. And Kíli doubted that Fíli was ready to know that yet, as Thorin wanted him to be ere he was told. To Kílis relief it was Thorin who brought up the issue about his nephew's birthday after he made sure he could talk to Dís and his younger nephew alone.

"I think we should at least tell him the month. Then he figures himself that his birthday and if he doesn't then he probably doesn't want to celebrate. But when it is time we can remind him again" Dís proposed.

"You're probably right, then he doesn't know how old he is exactly and if he wants to know I guess he is aware that he will in a way also know how long he was with the Orcs" Kíli added. Thorin nodded slowly.

"I believe as well that it's wiser if we didn't tell him his age for now. But if he asks, we'll be honest."

"Should we invite someone?"

"Why not? Dwalin maybe. I guess since he's back, he likes him even more than he did years ago."

"That's what I thought too"

"And else? What about a special meal?"

"I guess we should ask him first" Dís said in a low voice. "And if we were able to make him leave his room, I would be delighted"

"We won't arrange an official feast for his birthday" Thorin insisted

"That was not what I meant! Besides I doubt that he's ready for that yet."

"I doubt he ever will be"

"Thorin!" Dís shrieked with an angry voice. Then she started scolding her brother who threw a look at Kíli and rolled his eyes. Kíli grinned and received a glare from his mother. Patiently Thorin waited until the princess finished before he apologised for his comment.

Just after their discussion the three royals went back to the blonde prince's room and by now, Kíli had no idea how to tell his brother that he could soon celebrate his birthday. Luckily Thorin made a start and cleared his throat after the silence got almost unbearable.

"What?" Fíli spat. "Just say it and get over and done with it as soon as possible"

"Well", Thorin began, quite irritated by the harsh words, "We wanted to tell you something that you most likely could rejoice at"

"And this would be that you found something to turn back the time and prevent the Orcs from abducting me?"

"As much as I would wish this, no this is not it. Unfortunately it isn't even possible because if it was I'd to everything to turn back the time"

"Oh really? That's exactly what I thought. That you would do everything to help me"

"Fíli!" Thorin hissed, still a bit bad-tempered after a long and stressful day and his sister's lecture. Too late the king remembered who he was talking to and felt remorseful. No wonder that his nephew hated him. He had probably always been a better uncle to Kíli than he was to the blonde. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" He groaned and rubbed his face "I just had a busy day"

"That is your excuse?"

"It's no excuse. Please, I swear, I never ever wanted to hurt you in any way." He put a hand on Fíli's shoulder what astonished Kíli somewhat. The black-haired son of Durin had always effaced himself not to touch the older prince. Also Fíli seemed surprised. "You always were like a son to me" For a while Dís and Kíli thought the words evoked something in the former heir, but then he took a deep breath, pushed the hand away and got out of the bed. Ere he spoke, he drew himself up to his full height.

"You are right. I was. But now not anymore" In the next moment he scraped by Thorin and before one of the others realized what was happening he stormed out of the room.


	11. Chapter 11

For a long time Fíli waited. After all he was used to be waiting quietly and pretending he didn't exist. By now he also knew or could imagine what was meant by a good hiding place. The more unexpected it was the better. Who of his family would get the idea to throw a look into Thorin's room? When he heard how the three of them started yelling his name and heard someone running away he feared that the door would be opened any moment but nothing happened. Thorin just ordered a short time later that they should get some help in order to find him.

Also when Fíli was almost sure that the others had left, he waited for another couple of minutes. Gently he stepped out of the bedroom und hushed into his own room. Everything he got was a second shirt and his fur-trimmed coat. Then he realized that he had no boots anymore and decided to 'borrow' a pair of his brother. Kíli wouldn't mind, would he? After all he had already offered him to use a pair of his own when the brunette suggested to go for a stroll outside once.

After he had his stuff, Fíli decided it was best to wait until it was night so that the chances he made it to the gate were higher. So he hid in his uncle's room one more time and waited again. When he tucked his knees up he felt something hard press against his abdomen and reached to grab it. He hesitated for a moment when he felt a piercing pain in his hand but then proceeded until he found something like a handle and pulled he object out. He almost got a shock when he identified it as a dagger. One that the elves probably did overlook when they were captured in Mirkwood. Fíli almost dashed the blade to the wall when he thought for a moment. Maybe it wasn't that bad if he had at least one weapon with him. Not to defend himself, the dagger was useless even if he remembered all techniques. But it would help him if he ran into Orcs on sometime because then he could use the blade to end his life.

When it finally was dark enough that the blonde felt safe enough to leave Thorin's room, he peeked out into the dark corridor and then ran away as fast as he could. To his surprise he managed to make it to the front gate without seeing anyone. As he had imagined the gate was guarded by two dwarves in armour but it didn't irritate him in the slightest, he never had the intention to walk out through it off-headedly anyways. The idea he had was much more secret and therefore more effective.

Kíli couldn't believe it when they hadn't found his brother even after two days of searching. Now also Dís seemed worried for her son, so it was Thorin who tried to arrange the search in the following hours. This time they not only included Balin and Dwalin but also the other dwarves of the company as well as some guards. All of Thorin's companions during the quest who didn't know the truth about Fíli's fate were highly surprised but not less happy to hear that what they believed all those years turned out to be wrong. To Kíli it seemed they even didn't really mind that Fíli probably could be lost, after all it was better than if he was dead. And, when he was honest, he couldn't stand it when he was assigned to search in the mines again with Bofur. Not that he didn't like the dwarf, in contrary but for now he had no nerve to answer the brown-haired's questions. So far he had already told him since when Fíli was back and what they knew that happened to him and in what condition he was when they last saw him.

"And why did you keep it secret for so long? To give him some space?"

"Yeah", Kíli mumbled, "That's what Thorin said, he didn't want that all thirteen of us plus mum come to visit him at once. And over the weeks we thought it was better to wait even more until Fíli was better because he never really reacted good to most new things. Except Balin and Dwalin, which surprised me a little"

"Maybe that was exactly what he had wanted. I mean, when you say he seemed to enjoy Balin's and Dwalin's visits."

"I don't know, maybe. He never said or showed it much when he was in favour of something. Most times also not if he disapproved of something. Well unless it was about his fight with uncle."

"They had a fight?"

"I'd rather say they have one. This is also the reason he's gone now. And hence why he isn't back yet. Oh Mahal I hope he's not in trouble or so"

"He should be alright. I mean, he can't have left the mountain, now can he? As I know him he could have gone to some lower family to live with them for some time"

"Exactly that's the point!" the prince hissed "You don't know him. At least not the Fíli he is, respectively isn't since he's back. It's more likely he tried to find some hiding place so that we, well mostly Thorin, never find him. That is if he didn't fell down somewhere into some abyss on his way" Bofur stopped and grabbed his arm.

"Don't think about such things. We will find him. I promise"

Fíli was quite astonished that his plan worked that well and no one saw him when he left the mountain and quickly made his way towards the lake. At the shore he decided to rest for some hours, until sunrise. He doubted however that he could fall asleep out here, since he feared to be attacked at any time. And he could rest as long as he wanted once he was back home. That is, if he ever made it to the Blue Mountains. After all it wasn't only dangerous to be on a journey on your own but he also felt weak. Right now he had no idea how he should arrive in Ered Luin without help. Maybe it would have been better if he waited until he felt better and then asked someone to accompany him home. But right now he wished for nothing but the leave the damned mountain behind him forever. In his chest he felt a slight sting for having left without a word and felt sorry for his mother and his brother. It wasn't their fault at all. He had to make sure they knew he was alright. Whenever he got the chance he would write them a few lines, telling them that he was okay whereas they shouldn't know where he was.

For a while he also considered to take the shortcut through Mirkwood so that he could communicate with his family. On the other hand, this was the only reason why he would want to go this forest again. And he also had no desire to see Thranduil again. Besides he feared that the elven king would reveal to the dwarves of Erebor that he was with them. The elf would make sure that Fíli didn't leave until someone picked him up, after all there must be some commercial arrangement between the two realms. Furthermore, there was every likelihood that he, Fíli, would die before he made it to the palace of the elves. Last time they only escaped the spiders due to Bilbo's help and there was no chance that he could defeat them himself. Maybe spiders weren't even the worst thing in this forest. So he knew soon that he had to give Mirkwood a wide berth if he wanted to be on the safe side.

By the next morning he also regretted not taking any food with him. Although he was quite used to not having enough to eat during his time in captivity, his body now was accustomed to food on a regular basis again. However, he was no fool and knew it would have been too risky trying to sneak into the kitchen to get something to eat. In addition, he had no idea where Erebor's kitchen were so he would have in in danger of running into someone on his way to the place. Even though his stomach was protesting, as did his legs, he pulled himself together and decided it would be best to go southwards because he remembered vaguely that Gundabad was in the north. And he would never ever go near that place or its inhabitants again. It would just be unbelievably stupid to go up there, even it was the shorter way. And first and foremost he knew it would be unfair to put his life in such great danger after he promised that he would never to it. Not even in order to retaliate. Quite ironically _she_ was one of the only reasons he still wanted to be alive.


	12. Chapter 12

Kíli couldn't believe that his brother was gone again. He spent days in Fíli's room, hoping the blonde dwarf would show up sometime. But the only ones who ever came were Thorin and Dís, which had to make sure he was eating enough. Somehow the prince doubted that his brother was still in the mountain because if he was, they would have found him by now, wouldn't they? But every time the thought of Fíli wandering through the wilderness all alone he felt a sickening feeling in his stomach and guilt welled up inside him. If only he had tried to make sure Thorin wouldn't do anything to push Fíli or make him angry, if only he had stayed away, maybe then Fíli would still be in the mountain, in safety. When he was honest, Kíli started to believe that his brother probably wouldn't survive long all alone. Mainly because since he was back, he seemed to be afraid of anything that has to do with weapons. This was a great shock for the brunette to find out, since weapon used to be Fíli's favourite thing once. What in Mahal's name had happened in Gundabad that explained that extreme change of mind? Somehow he regretted not having asked his brother more about his captivity and what kind of things he had to go through. At the same time he was glad he didn't ask, it would have made Fíli feel very uncomfortable. Nobody knows what could have happened if he had asked, no one would know if the blonde wouldn't have taken his leave even earlier. Kíli suggested exactly that.

Some many dozen miles away his brother, whom he worried about, stared at the Misty Mountains with both awe and fear. He had no idea he'd already made it that far, it even astonished him he was still alive and never encountered anyone hostile. On the other hand, he couldn't come up with an idea how to cross the mountain chain, better said he doubted he'd be able to make it to the other side. In addition, he still remembered that Goblins lived somewhere in some kind of town, somewhere in these mountains. Needless to say, he'd rather avoid any sort of reunion with those filthy dreads. Who knew, maybe they even remembered that it was their company who killed their leader, the Goblin king. And if he was really unlucky, the Goblins might also know that he was Azog's prisoner for some time. Being sent back to the pale orc was the last thing he wanted.

To be on the safe side, the blonde finally decided to give the Misty Mountains a wide berth. Years of studying cards from Middle Earth in his childhood made him go North since if there wouldn't be something like a flat passage to the other side of the mountains, he'd sooner come to the end of the mountain range. Even if that meant he'd probably pass near places that were known to be inhabited by Orcs and other foul creatures. If only he knew where exactly the mines of Moria would be because then he could pass by there and even meet other dwarves. Maybe he could have also stayed with them for a while to have enough strength to travel the rest of his way until he was where he wanted to be.

By now it had been more than three month since his brother was gone, Kíli remembered with an angry feeling during a feast. He wished Thorin would have come earlier to the conclusion that Fíli must have left the mountain and sent some soldiers after him. If he had, Fíli probably would be back by now. However, since he couldn't turn back time and make sure the dwarves left Erebor before Fílis absence already took two weeks, all he could do was being mad at his uncle. His mother didn't approve of it but never said anything since she feared if that if she did, also her younger son would leave Erebor head over heels.

After the feast, the young prince was laying in his bed, with Fílis plush toy in his hands. When they were younger and still in Ered Luin his brother would take the little animal almost everywhere. Sometimes he even caught him cuddling it, especially when he wasn't feeling well. Of course he never said anything and neither did his mother who knew of it too. Thorin however was unaware of it. That probably was the reason why Fíli decided heavy heartedly to leave it home when they set out for their quest. Maybe they were too young back then for having thought their journey to the mountain would be something like a longer camping trip, where nothing dangerous could ever happen. How wrong they were. Kíli suggested that if his brother had known what was about to happen to them during and after their journey he'd have made sure to pack his little fluffy lion. In the end it was their mother who brought the stuffed animal to Erebor, upon Kílis request as he wrote in an extra letter to his mother after Thorin had written his in which he told her what had happened to her son. For a long time it had been the only thing brought Kíli comfort after his brother had been gone for the first time and now it was the same. He hoped that it hadn't been the last time he saw his brother. If Fíli decided to come back on his own, he would take him to Ered Luin, where the older dwarf wished to go. Maybe this would help Fíli to get better, if they could meet some of their old friends.

"Of course" he suddenly yelled and jumped out of his bed, the plushie still laying there forgotten. In a hurry he ran to his uncle's study where he suggested it was most likely to meet him and didn't even bother knocking. Luckily, his uncle wasn't talking to anyone but just writing some documents. With a short wave of guilt Kíli realised that in the past weeks he'd as good as done nothing what he was supposed to as Thorin's heir. But that wasn't the moment to care about this.

"Kíli" Thorin said, surprised "What are you doing here?" he feared that something had happened how his younger nephew stormed into the room.

"I-I think I know where Fíli has gone"

Luck seemed for once to be on Fíli's side and when he found a convenient place to cross the Misty Mountains he met a group of human travellers who took him with them. When they heard that he had no idea where he wanted to go (though it was a lie since Fíli knew exactly where he wanted to go) they suggested he might as well come with them. Fíli declined not only because he already had his destination but also because they were travellers and never stayed to long at one place. This wasn't what Fíli wanted. He wanted a home. A real home.

So after some days of company, he had to say goodbye to his companions. Oddly he had no idea how he felt about being alone again. On one side he enjoyed that now he had his peace but in the past month he had also seen how troublesome travelling on your own could be. During the first time of his captivity he also wished for a cellmate. Someone he could talk to and someone who was in the same boat. He felt lonely like he had never before since his younger brother had always been around him or other friends. But when he finally got something like a cellmate in Gundabad he regretted it shortly after. When they had first arrived with the young man he felt overjoyed but the young prince couldn't know that the Orcs didn't have the intention to keep their other prisoner for a long time. Only some days after he first met him, the Orcs took him away for what he suggested should have become an ordinary 'torture session' but even after hours they didn't bring him back. And Fíli wasn't so stupid to believe that they had set him free of that he got away somehow. Two meals after they had taken him the dwarf realized that his new friend must have died.

This was the time when he started wishing that he'd never again get a fellow captive since he feared he would lose them anyway after a short amount of time. If he was honest he also had no idea why in Mahal's name the Orcs hadn't got rid of him earlier. First he thought it was because he was sturdier than men or elves and they just couldn't kill him unless they really intended to. Later he realised that maybe his abductors had something else in store for him. What it was he never found out, at least not while he was in captivity. By now he knew almost for sure that the Orcs only kept him alive because they had planned to take him when they attacked Erebor another time. But what the reason behind this was still was unbeknownst to the blonde prince.

After a few more weeks of travelling Fíli recognized another place and was extremely relieved. It was a sign that he was heading in the right direction. For a moment he considered if he should stay for some weeks but then he decided that he'd first have to what he promised and he'd spend time in the Shire on his way back.

That was if he ever wanted to go back.

* * *

Please don't kill me! Yes I said I'd probably update more frequently but I had again a busy time. And I got into the Harry Potter fandom and I've started writing Imagines for George Weasley on tumblr and yeah I've produced 120 pages of writing so far. Thus this story came off badly. But now I really promised myself to write a few more chapters (maybe even finish it bc I've just noticed there isn't so much more plot left XD) before I write Hogwarts Imagines again...

I hope you still enjoy the story though. This time I won't promise that I update soon but I really really try my best to make another one within the next two weeks.


	13. Chapter 13

Of course Fíli should have known that everything would come other than he thought. As he was halfway through the Shire it became night. For better or worse he had to look for a place to sleep. And being in the Shire, he had the idea to visit Bilbo. Why he didn't know. Of course, he'd grown really fond of the little Hobbit on their journey to Erebor and he was happy to see him again. But the main reason he decided to stop by at his place was, that the dwarf needed something familiar right now. And staying in an inn wasn't what he wanted. Mahal knew what kind of people would be there too. Still, there was the option that Fíli could sleep somewhere outside like he'd been doing almost every night in the past month. But he decided that, now that he had the chance to sleep in a house and a real bed, he should do that.

As Fíli stood in front of the green door that belonged to Bilbo's house all courage left him. What if he didn't want to take him in for a night? Or what if he didn't recognize him? And he also feared he might give the little Hobbit a huge shock if he, who was believed dead for a long time, now turned up at his place without a warning. Fíli swallowed and wanted to back away from the door, when it was pushed open and laughter filled his ears. A male and a female Hobbit left the house and only in the last moment the dwarf managed to jump aside and go into hiding. When he heard Bilbo calling after them and coming out as well since the woman had forgotten something, he couldn't help but have a short look at the Hobbit he met years ago. He looked a little older but not much. The blonde was expecting the Hobbit to enter his Smial again but instead Bilbo walked away from the door and walked straight past Fíli who quickly hid again behind the bush. What exactly his friend was doing he couldn't see or hear but eventually Bilbo walked back to the house and disappeared inside.

With a sigh of relief, Fíli got up and looked if the two other Hobbits were gone by now, which was the case. But he decided to wait another minute or so until he went after them to have a look for a nice place to sleep outside. One last time he turned towards the Smial and staggered back, when he saw Bilbo through the window. Instantly he made some steps away from it, only to bump into a wooden bench. He lost his balance toppled over, knocking over the wooden furniture as well, having tried to prop himself up when he was getting up. For Fíli it didn't sound very loud. But as it seemed, the Hobbit must have heard the noise since the door opened again.

"Who is there?" he asked. For a second Fíli considered whether it was cleverer to remain silent and hoping that Bilbo won't notice him or draw attention to himself. Before he made up his mind, Bilbo had already stomped over to his place and spotted him. The Hobbit frowned, had a closer look and now he was the one to stagger back a little. "This cannot be" With a quick step he was in front of Fíli and sat down next to him, examining him more closely. "It's not… Fíli?" he asked "How…? Why?"

"Long story" he mumbled and tried to get up but he wasn't quick enough because Bilbo threw himself round his neck. At first he was very shocked but after a while he couldn't deny that it felt good. However, he couldn't bring himself to hug him back. It felt like hours that they were in the embrace, then Bilbo pulled slowly away.

"Now come in and then you can explain me everything" When he was walking inside the house again, Bilbo reminded him a bit of a small child that was overwhelmed right now. He ushered him to the dining room and made him sit down. Only seconds later, the Hobbit was serving him all kinds of food, asking if he should cook something. "No thank you" Fíli replied and grabbed for the nearest bowl. "I'm fine with this" It remembered him a little of the start of their journey, when they had plundered Bilbo's larder. Only that now Bilbo himself was the one emptying it. At this thought he almost chuckled. The Hobbit sat down on a chair next to him and was waiting. Although he didn't urge Fíli to tell, the dwarf knew that Bilbo wanted him to talk as soon as possible. At the thought of all the questions that might come up, he shuddered and swallowed hard. Fíli ate as much as he probably hadn't in years. He hoped that he could stall for time by eating as much as he could. But finally, when Bilbo asked him if he wanted some dessert, he had to decline and admit that he was full up. "So" Bilbo started, a little insecure. Fíli cleared his throat. "How did you survive? Why-why wasn't I told?"

"They didn't know. The others thought I was dead as well" the dwarf whispered and felt tears in his eyes.

"But where have you been then?" Bilbo asked softly yet curious.

"Orcs" Fíli managed to utter "They-they took me right after the battle. T-to Gundabad. I don't know how long I've been there. It was horrible. They didn't just torture me, they also made me ki…" his voice broke and the Hobbit put a hand on the dwarf's. "Some months ago, they attacked Erebor and took me with them. Kíli and Thorin got me out and they told me how they thought I was dead" By now tears were flooding down his cheek. Bilbo handed him a handkerchief.

"This time I got one" he tried to joke, but neither of them could smile "But why are you in the Shire now? Shouldn't you be in Erebor after everything that happened?"

"Maybe" Fíli sighed "I couldn't" Briefly he managed to tell his friend what Thorin had done and said and how he took his leave because of it. Bilbo listened to his words interested but worried as well.

"Do-do you think we should write them and tell them you're alright? I bet they must be very, very worried for you. At least Kíli and your mother. And I bet that Thorin is too" Fíli shrugged.

"Please don't tell them where I am" Bilbo grimaced.

"If I write the letter, they will assume you're here"

"No" Fíli said "I might be gone by the time the letter arrives at Erebor"

"Why?" he asked frowning "Where are you going?"

"Home. To Ered Luin. There's something I need to do there. I promised"

"Alright" the hobbit nodded "But why don't you stay here for some days, or weeks and then you can continue your journey?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll stop here on my way back. If I go back. In fact, right now I never want to go back to Erebor. It's not my home. It's just a cursed mountain and that's all. We would all be living happily in Ered Luin if Thorin never had the stupid idea to take back the mountain and kill Smaug. Everything would be fine"

"I understand. I mean, at first I also didn't want to leave my home to come with you. But on the road, I realized how much Erebor meant to all of you. However, on the day of the battle, I regretted everything. That was the day I wished, we had never left to reclaim your homeland." he sighed "I never wanted that any of you dies, Fíli. I've grown so fond of everyone during the quest. You have no idea how bad I felt when I saw you that day, believing you were dead" Fíli lowered his head.

"I wish I would have died back then. Everything would have been easier"

"Fíli… I…" Bilbo sighed "I know that the past seventeen years were the utter horror for you. And I don't think any of your family or I could imagine what you've been through. But you have to realise that we all missed you and it only is natural that we are very happy that you are still with us. I mean, not that any of us would approve of what happened to you or whatever. Maybe we just forget what you've been through because it hurts us too much and…" he stopped because he had no idea how he should explain the dwarf his point.

"I know what you mean. Kíli tried to explain me several times and Mum did too. To an extent I also understand what it must feel like for you to have me back all of a sudden. I mean I'm also happy that I'm free now. But if I could turn back the time and decide between dying in the battle or having to go all of this again, I'd choose death"

"That is understandable. Just know that you are strong Fíli. Probably stronger than anyone else from the company. Because look at what you've been through in the past seventeen years. It proves that you are a fighter" he swallowed "I suggest that others would have died in the captivity of Orcs but you chose to survive"

"It's not like that" Fíli corrected "They never had the intention to kill me. But they wanted to break me. And-and they managed I guess" he felt tears in his eyes and looked directly into Bilbo's eyes "You had no idea what they made me do. And if it hadn't been for the promise, I wouldn't be here" the tears were running down his cheeks now and the Hobbit put a hand over his, patting it gently "If I hadn't promised to tell her family if I'd ever get out of there, I would have killed myself too" Bilbo looked at him in shock.

"That last part. Would have killed yourself too. Does that mean… you-you killed…?" Fíli sobbed and nodded.

"Was forced to kill the girl I love"

* * *

Okay so I re-uploaded the chapter bc it had computer science codes in it. I fixed it by hand so it should be okay now, if not, feel free to message me XD


	14. Chapter 14

For a moment, everything was dead silent. Fíli couldn't tell if he felt better now that he told at least someone what had been bothering him for so, so long. He winced when he suddenly felt the Hobbit wrap his arms around him. Another minute or two he was still crying and suddenly he felt the urge to blurt out with everything.

"She-she was a half-dwarf from Ered Luin. On her way to Erebor she was only accompanied by about four others and they got attacked. They... they took her and when they arrived in Gundabad they put her in my cell. That's how we first met. I-I don't know for how long she's been there with me. One day I realised how I feel about her. But a dwarf's love is different than yours. It's much more intensive and special. She was my One" he wiped his eyes and looked at Bilbo who was sitting next to him again, listening anxiously to what his friend was telling him "I swore to protect her. I mean we... started some kind of a relationship, despite the circumstances. But we were careful to keep it secret from our captors. But one day, after she was taken away to be tortured again it was particularly bad. I can't remember what exactly happened but soon..." he took a deep breath as he was about to speak the name of the pale Orc "A-azog summoned us both. Obviously the others had noticed how I felt about her and he gave me a choice" in his head he relived his most painful memory what intensified his tears "Either I would... or I had to watch them... bu-but not just... s-straight-straight away" suddenly his voice broke "Slowly. P-painful" Bilbo, who had tears of his own in his eyes, was on his feet again and hugged the blonde again.

"There's no need to talk what happened after if you can't" he said but Fíli shook his head.

"I-I have to. It's the first time I ever spoke about it"

"A-alright" Bilbo said, not sure what else he should say or do. He wished there was anything he could do for his friend. For now, all he could do was listen to what Fíli was telling him.

"I started to panic and pleaded that they killed me instead or that I would do anything if they just left here alone. But they refused and re-repeated the options. It was her who begged me to... to do it. Then they gave me a... weapon and I..." now his voice definitely broke and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't speak the words. Instead he just cried harder and after a while he tried to continue. "At-at first I couldn't be-believe what I did. She was laying in my arms and smiling up me. I-I tried to tell her that everything would be alright although I knew it wouldn't She-she made me promise two things. First, if I ever were to make it out of Gundabad I should take care of myself and never get into danger again. Second, not to feel guilty or think that it was my fault that she... died. I know, I promised both of it but I just can't help blaming myself for it. And-and maybe I haven't taken care of me really. But I just had to go back to Ered Luin to tell her parents what happened to her. After all that is what I promised her just before..." he couldn't say one more word and Bilbo reacted instantly and hugged him tighter, stroking the dwarf's back. Neither of them knew what to say, so it was silent again.

"I am so sorry" Bilbo finally uttered.

"It's not your fault" Fíli sobbed "You had nothing to do with it"

"I still am sorry. Is... is there anything I can do for you?" the dwarf shook his head.

"No, there isn't. Please just don't... tell anyone. I don't want them to think I'm weak. I-I feared that if I told them they would think bad about be because they didn't break me by torture but by a girl"

"Fíli!" Bilbo exclaimed and instantly reminded himself to keep calm "They would never do such a thing. I'm sure if you had told them they would have understood. Losing the love of your life is not easy for anyone. Especially you dwarves. And you-you... I mean she didn't just die. You..." he stuttered "That would break anyone!"

"But-but what if Thorin hated me for falling in love with a half dwarf'? Or-or because I... even though I swore to protect here?"

"If that had bothered Thorin then you would have every right to hate him. Even if none of this had happened. Because this is your life and he can't tell you who you have to love."

"But still I killed her! I killed her" Fíli yelled.

"Because you had to. You would have made you the same reproaches if Azog and his fellows had done it. She would have suffered much worse than she did."

"I should have insisted that they kill me. I mean, I did but more"

"Fíli" Bilbo said softly "There was nothing, absolutely nothing, you could have done to change their minds" he embraced the prince a little tighter then let go of him "Maybe it is best, if you got some rest right now. If you want, we can talk about... her tomorrow a little more. But first you will go to bed and sleep" to his surprise Fíli nodded and brushed away his tears.

"Thank you" he whispered.

"You're very welcome" Slowly the dwarf got up and Bilbo asked if he needed something before he told him he'd show him where he could sleep. Even in the second he saw Fíli for the first time this evening it was clear to him that he would let his friend use his own bed while he himself would settle down on an armchair for the night. The Hobbit was relieved that Fíli either didn't realise that he gave him his bed or that he didn't tried to refuse. Discussing or even letting the dwarf sleep in an armchair was the last he wanted right now.

Although the dwarf said he didn't need anything, Bilbo quickly retrieved some towels and even a cup of water, as well as some candles that he put on the small nightstand. He'd also given him some clothes for the night but even though Fíli was much thinner than he was when they last met, he still was too large of the Hobbit's clothes. Maybe even to tall. Still he offered him if he'd liked that or if he could at least wash his clothes. Fíli declined both offers and muttered another thank.

"There really is no need to thank me. It's a pleasure" he smiled at his friend "Are you sure that there is nothing I can do or get for you? Or is there something you would like for breakfast tomorrow?" Despite the way he felt, Fíli was almost smiling at the Hobbit's hospitality and he was very touched by it.

"No thank you, Bilbo. I am fine. You really don't have to inconvenience yourself on my account"

"What are you talking about? I just want to make sure you are alright. And if there is anything I can do for you, just let me now" Fíli nodded, although he knew he probably wouldn't.

"I will. Thank you"

"No need to thank me. It's natural" Bilbo smiled but then his mien got serious again. "Please just don't do... anything stupid. You need your rest, so stay in bed, unless there is something urgent you need. And also don't try to sneak away during the night for any reason. I don't want to worry about you. And it wouldn't be safe. Besides I will pep you up a little before I will let you leave the house again so that you can continue your journey to the Blue Mountains to... meet her parents and tell them everything" he stepped closer to the dwarf who looked a bit like a child who was caught with the hand in the cookie jar. Yet it wasn't Fíli's intention to run away in the middle of the night. Even though he had considered it when he first arrived here and Bilbo invited him in, he somehow wished he'd never have to leave the Shire again. Maybe, if all was over and when he had been in the Ered Luin he would ask Bilbo if he could stay with him for a while until he found his own home. He wouldn't want to live all his life at Bilbo's expenses although he had the feeling that his friend wouldn't mind. But maybe he would even decide to stay in the Blue Moutains for the rest of his life. If he was lucky, Kíli and his mother would visit him at times or maybe move back there with him. "Fíli?" Bilbo's voice pulled him out of thoughts.

"What?" he said, hoping the Hobbit hadn't said anything else and he didn't pay attention to it.

"Can you promise me you will stay here and only leave after you feel better and we got the chance to say a proper goodbye?" Fíli nodded.

"I promise" Bilbo felt relieved and wanted to leave the room when he remembered something he wanted to tell him.

"If-if you want I can also come with you to the Blue Mountains. I'd love to see them. That is, if you wouldn't mind of course. I could fully understand if that is something you want to do on your own. She was the love of your life after all" now he turned away and wanted to leave.

"Freyduna" Bilbo stopped and turned back to Fíli. "Freyduna. That was her name"

* * *

Whew! That chapter was hard to write and trying not to cry. (The sad music I listened to in order to get into an according mood probably didn't help much XD).

However, the name Freyduna is a mixture between Freya and Iduna, two Nordic Goddesses. Freya is the Godess of love, whereas Iduna(or Idun), who also is a half dwarf, is the Godess of Immortality. I just thought it would be fitting to have a name that figuratively means 'immortal love'.

Besides, those of you who know the TV series "Almighty Johnsons" might also get the reference of Iduna.


	15. Chapter 15

Kíli, heir of the throne to the Erebor was a mess. His brother had been gone for months and yet there was no sign of him. Not one sign as if he was lost or had never existed. Worst was that Fíli couldn't just be dead but in the hand of Orcs again. And he doubted that he'd get away another time. Even if he did, there would be nothing they could do to help him. It was difficult this time to make him talk or do certain things but after another captivity, Kíli thought, his brother would be gone. Sometimes he caught himself at the thought of wishing that his brother is either dead or up and well somewhere in a small village.

Of course there were groups searching for the blonde dwarf, Thorin even sent a few warriors to the Ered Luin because Kíli thought his brother might go there since he mentioned it once or twice. He just hoped, they could find him before it was too late. On the other hand, he couldn't even dare to think what would happen if they forced Fíli to come back to the mountain. He'd hate them as well and might not forgive them. So maybe it was best if they let Fíli do whatever he wanted, accompanied by the guards of course. Kíli hoped, this would help his brother, maybe if he just saw the village they had grown up. At times he also played with the thought of going after them. To stay at the Ered Luin and get rid of all the responsibility he now had as a crown prince. On the other hand, he couldn't leave Thorin and his mother alone and worried for him too. Though he thought Thorin might deserved it after all it was his fault that Fíli was gone in the first place.

Right now, the dark haired dwarf was working on some documents for his uncle when a servant brought him a letter from the Shire. As soon as he recognized Bilbo's handwriting he decided that he couldn't wait to read the letter. Though it was strange that the Hobbit addressed the letter to Kíli and not his uncle as he usually did. After all, Thorin was the Hobbit's best friend he got during their quest so many years ago. With a sigh he opened the letter and read it. Halfway through, he jumped up. Bilbo wrote that right now, Fíli was with him in the Shire and perfectly well (at least as well as ever since he was captured by Orcs after the battle). He didn't even finish the letter and he jumped up to look for his mother and show it to her. Thorin might be nearer but he thought Dís needed to know it as soon as possible.

On the other end of Middle Earth, Fíli was recovering quickly in the Shire. Yes, he initially planned to stay a couple of days and by now he was there for about two months already. Not that he didn't feel well enough to continue his journey or didn't want to anymore but he simply enjoyed being in the Shire where life seemed to be easy and innocent. He felt as if nothing bad could happen there. At times he even felt guilty about having left Erebor so quickly and probably drive his mother mad from sorrow, as well as his brother. But he just couldn't hold it anymore at the time he was back there at the mountain. That was the reason why he wrote his family a letter, some days after Bilbo wrote it, telling the dwarves of Erebor that Fíli was at his place and so far alright.

But after one and half a month in the Shire, he decided it was time to leave since he didn't want to be a burden for Bilbo any longer. Of course, the Hobbit assured him he wasn't and never would be one but still. All Fíli could do was helping him with the household and he felt it wasn't enough. Maybe he should write another letter to his family and ask them to send the Hobbit a little chest of gold for his troubles. After all there was nothing Fíli could do with his share of the treasure, he didn't even want it. It was cursed just like that mountain was. He remembered how it affected Thorin shortly after they got to Erebor and he was afraid it could affect him too. Besides, as long as the treasure was in the mountain, it was an attractive target for attacks. Mainly for a certain pale Orc he'd rather not hear of ever again, except for his death of course.

The dwarf even considered accepting Bilbo's offer that he would accompany him to the Blue Mountains but that was something he couldn't ask for. Even if the Hobbit told him many times it wouldn't cause any troubles he still felt bad if Bilbo had to leave his home again just because a dwarf wanted to do home. He also told the Hobbit that there was nothing he could do to protect themselves since he swore himself to never touch a weapon again, let alone use it. Not after what the Orcs forced him to do. However, at times Fíli caught himself at the thought of killing Azog. Maybe if he decided to attack Erebor ever again he would tell his relatives to spare the pale Orc and capture him so that he could end his life himself.

At times, Fíli hated Bilbo for having visitors all the time. Most adults would eye him critically and probably didn't like him since he was a dwarf. Others instantly started asking him questions that made him uncomfortable. So he often told others he was a blacksmiths from the Ered Luin after all this is what he learned once. But worst thing were the kids. They would ask him to give them piggyback rides or to play with them. If it hadn't only been for playing he wouldn't have minded. Well, most likely not. However, what those kids wanted to play, drove him up the wall. It was already bad enough if adult Hobbits or children asked him if he had ever fought Orcs. But then playing that they were attacked by Orcs (sometimes even making Fíli one of these vile creatures) was too much for him. Sure he knew it wasn't the kids fault in the first line, they might think it would be exciting and so Fíli thought it is better to tell them the truth about Orc attacks and probably scare them rather than encouraging them and stuff. Sometimes he reacted a bit harsh and as soon as kids were crying he realized that he must have been too hard on them again. On the other hand, it was only for their and his own best.

One day, Fíli made up his mind to continue his journey to Ered Luin and find Freyduna's parents. Of course, he had promised her to do so but what if her parents didn't want to believe him and thought it was his free choice to brutally murder their innocent daughter? Already now he was considering if it was a good idea to tell them that they were in a relationship. Maybe he could do that another time because else it would be a little bit too much at once.

So he talked to Bilbo who first tried to convince him to stay in the Shire but quickly he realized that there was no point in doing so. Therefore he wanted to know if there was anything that he could do to help the dwarf. In the end they decided that Bilbo would provide him with some food for the journey and accompany the dwarf to the borders of the Shire. Then he wouldn't place himself in danger and giving Fíli a bad conscience for putting him in danger.  
They set out a day later in the early morning so that they could make as many miles as possible. Most of the time they remained silent but when Bilbo brought up the idea to sing a song the dwarf would shake his head and soon they would be in a conversation. In fact, Fíli hadn't sung since he was on the journey to Erebor and he doubted he'd ever do it again. He didn't even hum when his mother used to sing songs in the time he was still in Erebor. When he was younger he would always either sing with her or at least hum the melody.

One day later, they reached the border of the Shire and Fíli didn't know what to feel. He was sad that now he'd be alone and not have Bilbo around anymore. On the other hand, he was quite glad to have some time of his own for a while.

"Promise, you'll write when you arrived there safely" Bilbo requested and Fíli promised "Good. And when you know more about your stay, like if you know that you'll stay in Ered Luin or that you will go back you'll let me know too?" The corners of Fílis mouth twitched. He thought it was a good sign that he was occasionally smiling or even grinning slightly.

"Yes of course I will. If I go back I'll also pay you a short visit"

"You mean another two months?" Bilbo smiled

"Maybe. Or I even considered getting my own house in Hobbiton and live there" Bilbo's mien lit up even more.

"Fíli that would be great. We'd be neighbours" gently he nudged the blonde's side "and you could write your family that you moved out and so they can come and visit you"

"Didn't you say that none of the dwarves has visited you so far?"

"Well yes, but I'm not their family. You are and I am sure that they will come. But maybe in the end everything will turn out differently, right? Maybe you'll stay in the Blue Mountains or you'll go back to Erebor" he nodded.

"Life always holds its surprises. Good ones as well as negative ones"


	16. Chapter 16

Much to his dismay, Fíli had to admit that Ered Luin had changed. Although he couldn't tell what exactly it was he knew that something was different from the Ered Luin he knew in his childhood.

The first thing he had to do was of course go and look for the house he grew up in. It took him quite a while to find it, not only because when he arrived in Ered Luin he first had to find the village he used to live. And then, all of a sudden it remembered him a little more of home. Although it looked different, but it still was mostly the same. As if a little part of his happy old self would be there, waiting for him. With tears in his eyes he quickly walked towards the little house his mother and uncle had owned.

When he was almost there, he stopped dead in his tracks. There was a pair of boots standing in front of the door. No, he thought. It couldn't be that someone else lived in that house. Slept in his and Kílis old room. Played in their garden. All of a sudden the happiness he had felt earlier faded and he broke down, crying. He didn't even notice how the door opened. Only when he heard a little girl scream he looked up. In an instant two humans, probably their parents were at her side. In fear it could end badly he jumped up, wiped his tears away and tried to leave after mumbling an apology.

"Excuse me, but who are you?" the female asked and she reminded him instantly of his mother.

"I-I used to live here when I was younger. But that was years ago" he replied.

"So you are one of the dwarves that returned to their homeland?"

"To Erebor" he nodded "Although it's not a homeland for me"

"But why did you go then?" the little girl asked, looking at him curiously.

"In fact I was one of the dwarves who set out to reclaim the mountain" he said.

"I remember" the woman spoke quietly "I was about seven when you left and it also was some kind of a great event for us humans too. After all you dwarves really celebrated that so we couldn't miss that obviously" she smiled at him "So I reckon you were successful in your quest"

"Unfortunately" he mumbled and to his dismay they heard it and was asked about it. "I… it's very difficult to explain and so much happened"

"Then come in and explain" the little girl shouted happily, looking at her parents "He can, can't he? I mean he once lived here. Pretty please?" her mother laughed.

"Well I think you gained a friend…"

"Fíli" he said, offering his hand to her

"Fíli" she frowned "This means you are one of the princes?" a moment he considered denying it but then he simply nodded.

"I am"

"But what gives us the honour, your majesty?"

"Please don't call me that. I-I came back to be left alone from all this" he quickly lied. Maybe he would have wanted to do that even if he had been at Erebor all the time. "So please, don't call me anything like that"

"As you wish… Fíli" she smiled at him. "I'm Rowena. This is Heior, my husband. And that is Mariban, our daughter"

"Hello" the little girl waved at him, smiling enthusiastically. He just couldn't withhold himself from smiling back and waving slightly.

As offered to him he entered their home that was his old one and sat down at the table. Rowena insisted on catering him although he tried to decline many times. But she wouldn't stop repeating it would be an honour to her and that she just wanted to make dinner anyway. Fíli thought she was even more dickheaded than many dwarves he knew. So he could only sigh and accept her offer, after having thanked her. Mariban was at his side.

"I'll give you a tour through the house. I mean, you know it but you don't know how we use the rooms now" before he could protest, the little girl had already grabbed his hand and tried to pull him out of the kitchen. "Well that is the kitchen"

"Yes, when I used to live here it was our kitchen too"

"And this is my parent's room" she said, pointing at the room that once was his mother's room and he told her that. "That is our living room or the guest room. You can sleep here if you want to stay for a few days." it turned out to be his uncle's bedroom. "And that is the bathroom"

"Yeah it was there too when I lived here. Probably because of the construction" he shrugged, his hand brushing over a dark spot on the door. It happened when he was about twenty-eight and Kíli had a gastric flu, spending all night in the toilet, vomiting. But since he wouldn't let anyone in, Fíli waited half of the night in front of the door, unfortunately almost setting it on fire with the candle he was holding.

"And this is mine!" she squealed, trying to pull him to the room that once belonged to his brother and him. That was the room that had changed the most. Well, he didn't have a look in all of the rooms now but the differences in the kitchen were much less evident than here. Maybe it was because there now only was one small bed inside the room and it was quite tidy everywhere. As he remembered it, one side, his own, also used to be tidied up while his brother's half was a chaos most of the time. "Was this your old room?"

"Yes. I shared it with my brother"

"You had to share?"

"Yes because my uncle and my mother did not sleep in the same room."

"Oh. But why did you share with your brother then?"

"Because we had a very close relationship. In fact I have never thought about that before"

"When you go back you ask them for me?" he chuckled slightly. And was quite astonished what this little girl was doing to him.

"Alright. I'll write you then" But as he thought of his uncle, all bitter feelings towards him came back. "And you don't want to have a sibling at all or could you imagine it? Even if you had to share your room?"

"Well" she spread out her arms and looked at him "I don't know. But I want to have four children when I'm big. And all girls"

"Well that are high demands you have. We dwarves have more men than females so if you were a dwarf that would be almost impossible"

"Is it true that even dwarf women have beards?"

"Yes they do. And if they don't wear dresses it's not so easy to determine their gender" the girl giggled.

"Imagine you walk to a man and call him a lady"

"Oh I guess that already happened to a few dwarves. You know, one day when we were younger Kíli, my brother, did exactly that. He went to a dwarf and pretended that it was a girl for about five minutes. He got grounded after that for two weeks but it was funny"

"Oh yes. Let's do that. Come on. There are some dwarves in Ered Luin" giggling she grabbed his hand again and then tried to pull him out of the house but she stood no chance.

"Mariban, I don't think that is a good idea. And besides, your mother will have finished dinner soon. You don't want to miss that?"

"Oh right. Yummy" she shrieked and she hurried to the kitchen. Her mother asked her to set the table.

"I could do that, really" Fíli offered but Rowena shook her head "Fine" the blonde prince sighed "but at least let me help when you do the dishes afterwards.

"Oh that's Heior's job today anyway"

"Alright, then I'll help him" from somewhere he heard the man calling that he was capable of doing it himself and that Fíli should feel like a guest. He had the feeling that it was because he was a prince and if they couldn't show it by addressing him like one they would just not let him do any of the work. And yet he was used to help his mother with the household. He never grew up like a prince and it mostly upset him that he had to take boring lessons with Thorin about how to rule a kingdom while Kíli was allowed to play outside with friends. Only when he got a little older, their uncle introduced his younger nephew to the duties of a prince. By now, Fíli had a bad conscious since he had been prepared to be an heir all his life and after the battle years ago that position was passed on to his brother who had almost no time to grow into the role before he became the heir. And this was the only reason he would ever agree on being heir to the throne again, to take this weight from his brother's shoulders. That was if he felt ever capable of reigning a kingdom and first he had to decide to return to the mountain. But maybe he should. At least to apologise to his brother and mother for disappearing and probably causing them sorrows again. He gulped. "Do you have parchment and something to write somewhere? I really need to write my family in Erebor"


	17. Chapter 17

Kíli did not believe his eyes. He had to take a look at the signature before he could actually believe that his brother had written him. Him and his mother. That Thorin wasn't mentioned in the letter didn't surprise him at all. But still he was overjoyed to hear from his brother himself. It felt good to know he arrived at their old home safe and sound. Fíli even sounded happier than before he left. If that was due to that Mariban girl who was now living in their old home?

After he read the letter himself, he showed it to his mother who broke out in tears after a few sentences and hugged her younger son. She held him in her arms until she had read the whole letter and then smiled.

"He seems to be fine. I mean more than that. Maybe a little happy"

"I've been thinking exactly the same"

"I just hope he doesn't decide to stay there… Do you think it is selfish if I wish he was back with us?"

"To be honest, I ask myself the same question. I mean sure, we'd know he is alright for ourselves but I'd feel so bad if he doesn't feel well here. And that obviously is the case. But you can go back to Ered Luin and live with him. Maybe that would help him and who knows, one day he might come back here."

"But then I would have to leave you here"

"Fíli needs you more than I do. Besides I can't leave since I'm Thorins heir. But I'd go and accompany you safely to the Blue Mountains, so I can see him too. And I would visit you as often as possible. Maybe you'll also come and visit us one day when Fíli is ready" Dís sighed and handed him back the letter.

"Please stop talking as if it was decided that I'll go and join your brother. I would have to think about it then we had to write Fíli and ask him if he's fine with that. And maybe he even wants to live in the Shire. And that is something I do not want."

"Of course. It's just… I had the idea and I thought it would make both you and Fíli happy. I mean, to have each other"

"And what about you?" she put her hands on her waist and looked at him challenging "You'd be happy too if I left? Happy to be rid of me?" he smiled as did his mother.

"You know, I have maids now that can bring me food and wash my clothes. I don't need you anymore. No, of course not. I would miss you every day and worry for you" Dís smiled as well.

"I know. You wouldn't last a few hours without we"

"And who of us was the one who was there when we reclaimed Erebor?"

"As a matter of fact neither you were. You stayed in Laketown since you were hurt. And there you see" he sighed but grinned. His mother suddenly didn't look pleased anymore. "What about Thorin… I mean, should we tell him about the letter?"

"I really don't know. He should but then he might feel guilty again because Fíli never mentioned him. But I also think he deserves to know that he didn't write about him. Maybe we just tell him that Fíli wrote and how he is?"

"Yes, it would be better if we didn't show him the letter"

"And if he asks for it? To see it?"

"Don't worry son, then I'll come up with something" she patted his cheek.

Fíli did not feel well about staying with Rowena's family for so long. But after he had informed Freyduna's parents about their daughter he just couldn't leave the Blue Mountains right now. He couldn't even say if the discussion went well or not. They weren't furious with him or tried to avenge their daughter, they were simply desolate. There was nothing he could do to make them feel better. He tried to, offered them to recompense them their daughter's death in any way, but they refused. He was told that it wasn't his fault and that they didn't want him to feel guilty. In fact, her father even thanked him for making it easier for the girl. After he left, Fíli didn't know how to feel about the whole talk. Maybe he would have preferred if they would have been angry at him and tried to make him pay. It would have made everything easier. But them being so understanding and caring made him feel even guiltier about his deed.

With every day that passed, Fíli became more desperate. He could not tell why. If it was because of the death of the love of his life and its aftermath, or simply because he felt uncomfortable to live at Rowena's costs, he could not tell. Or maybe it was because he wanted time for himself and the fact his plans were thwarted by Mariban, who wanted him to tell her about his adventures and fight against Orcs. Or even wanted to play such a thing with him. It even surprised him he never snapped at her like he snapped at the Hobbit kids back in Hobbiton. However, he did tell her many times this was something he did not want to talk about and it was nothing for small girls or children in general. But the girl wouldn't give up and still ask him more questions. Why he didn't like to talk about it or similar.

One day he had enough. It was about high time he left the place and tried to take care of himself. Words his mother once told him rang in his head. If he never tried to be independent he never would be. And if he couldn't take care of his trauma himself, no one could. This was the only logical conclusion. And if this meant he had to travel around Middle Earth to deal with all of it, then so be it. However, he couldn't leave without saying thank you. But if he did thank them they would realise that he was about to leave and try to stop him. He had the impression the family figured out something was quite wrong with him and didn't want him to leave. Probably because they feared he'd not be in a state to defend himself. But why would he? If he was attacked by Orcs he never would have had a chance. Not even years before when he still was his old self. No, the only reason he took a weapon with him was to make sure nobody captured him again.

So he wrote a note after he excused himself after dinner and was waiting until his hosts were sleeping. He did feel a bit bad to leave without saying goodbye but there was no other way. After he had fallen asleep himself and woke up in panic and confused, he grabbed his stuff, placed the note on the kitchen table and left the house without looking back. Because if he did, he feared he might didn't want to leave the house he had grown up in again. Oddly when he started thinking about home, he was reminded of Erebor. Although that never was a home to him. Not after they had reclaimed it and definitely not after he was back from Gundabad. Still, his childhood house hadn't really felt like a home to him in the past days and weeks. He felt like a stranger, which wasn't only because someone else lived in here now. But because his own family wasn't there. Before he could rethink any of it, he quickly opened the door and stepped outside into the cool night air.

He still had no idea where he wanted to go. One thing that was sure was that he would stop in the Shire again to visit Bilbo again and then he might go and look for an own home in the town. Getting the gold to buy one shouldn't be a problem since he'd write his brother and mother to send him some. He still had a claim for his share of the treasure and nobody ever said he'd have to keep in in the mountain forever. As a matter of fact, just leaving the gold in the hall forever wouldn't make it yours technically since you would never use it. So if he already had it, why not use it for something that was important to him like becoming independent as soon as possible and be at a safe place?

Although it would have only took him like another three hours until he passed the border of the realm, he decided to set up a night camp. Travelling during night was too dangerous. Since he had nothing to eat with him right now he went to sleep without any food. Not that he wasn't used to feeling hungry. During his time in captivity he was usually deprived of food for a couple of days. What were a few hours without something to eat in contrast to that?

Another thing his time in captivity had done to him was that he woke up at the smallest sound he wasn't comfortable with. At the beginning of his spontaneous journey from Erebor, he even woke at the sound of birds or the wind. By now he was already used to sounds of the nature. But footsteps weren't something he was comfortable with. Hearing them during his captivity usually didn't mean anything good. And neither could it now. With a jolt he was awake, his shaking hands reaching for the dagger he hid under his coat. One thing was strange. In the moment he reached for it he didn't do it so that he could end his life in case the people coming near him wanted to take him but to defend himself. Something he thought he'd never thought he wanted or had to do again. Whether this was a good sign? But of what use would it be? Judging by the steps it were more than three people and since he hadn't trained combat for years, Fíli was sure he'd stand no chance against them. This were very likely to be his last minutes alive.


	18. Chapter 18

With a beating heart Fíli slowly got up. Maybe if he was quick he could still run away and hide. Luck was on his side for once. He spotted a bush some feet away from his little camp. With a quick motion he grabbed the coat which he used as a blanket and hurried to the hiding place. He prayed that the intruders would overlook his sleeping place and just continue their way. All would be fine. A small snort left his lips. Some months ago, only weeks ago he would have thrown himself at their feet and just killed himself. His wish to die had been stronger than almost everything else. But now, he wanted to avoid it at all costs. Why though? What in Mahal's name was left for him on this earth?

Deep, deep within he knew that he still had his family. His brother, his mother and yes, even his uncle. He was sure that also the latter loved him. At least he had loved him once. But was that enough? It was, he thought. Even if he did not like it, Fíli had to admit that he still was fond of his uncle. And that he missed him. Nowhere as much as he missed Kíli, his mother or Freyduna. Oddly, he would have liked it better to have his uncle telling him that he never loved him and only saw an heir in in than seeing Orcs again. Maybe because the Orcs told him how worthless and pathetic he was over the past years. The only person who knew about this and tried to make him ignore it was Freyduna. The thought of her and her fate made him clutch the blade even tighter. All in him wanted to rush forward and kill as many of the Orcs as possible before he set an end to it all. She had told him though that he mustn't avenge her but that was his chance. In the end she would be happy to see him again, wouldn't she?

But he couldn't risk his life just like this and he knew it. He promised the woman he'd take care of himself. And he wouldn't break this promise. Not even if all in him wanted to make Orcs pay for what they did. No, that would be a waste. If he had to die because he killed an Orc he wanted to plunge his weapon into the pale Orc himself. Everything was his fault. The only thing was that he'd never ever get a chance to get near him again. Unless he was captured again. And before that happened he'd die. And that was why it was best to bury his plans of avenging the love of his life.

The steps came closer and the dwarf was sure that by now, they must have reached the place where he had been sleeping. Although he wanted to have a look at them and see how many it actually were he turned his head away. It was a childish thought, but maybe if he just looked away and didn't see them they'd also overlook him. He didn't knew why but that was something he already felt during his time in captivity. If he just turned his head away and pretend he hadn't seen them, the Orcs would leave him alone. And to an extent it was true. As long as he ignored them they'd leave him alone unless the defiler ordered that he was taken to him. This was something he had to learn the hard way in the first weeks and months after they got him. And the time when Freyduna was with him. The times when he tried to protect her and begged them to take him instead. It never worked and only got him in trouble as well.

Fíli heard whispers and knew that the intruders were close. He bent down, hoping it would make him undistinguishable from the bush in the dark. When he even heard steps coming in his direction he shut his eyes tightly and pleaded silently they'd just turn their way. He didn't realise that his left hand was now clutching the dagger as well. It didn't matter that he clasped the sharp blade that cut into his flesh. The blood that was trickling down his wrist and arm didn't bother him at all. Inside, he was still fighting with himself what he should do in case he was discovered. Maybe, if he was quick enough he could kill the attacker without attracting attention. But what then? He couldn't escape and it was impossible to kill all of them. On the other hand, he didn't want to give up just like that.

Having been so deep in thought and consideration, he didn't even realise that the people were now coming closer. When he noticed it, his teeth started chattering so that he bit his tongue. The pain distracting him from what was about to happen if luck wasn't on his side. And it wasn't. Twigs of the bush he was hiding behind were pushed aside and the first thing Fíli saw was a sword blade in front of his nose.

Kíli awoke with a jolt. He gasped and noticed he was sweating. Though he couldn't explain why. He didn't have a nightmare. At least he thought he didn't. Because he had no idea if he even was dreaming at all. Using his blanked he tried to fan himself but to no avail. He pushed away the blanked and sat up, rubbing his face. His stomach rumbled and he remembered that he missed dinner the evening before since he fell asleep while working on documents and then only trudged back to his room to go to bed some hours earlier. Therefore, he got up and walked towards the kitchen, not even bothering to put on a shirt. Luckily he found people in the kitchen. The cooks who were already preparing breakfast. A young dwarrowdam looked up from her work, ready to speak when she recognised him. She bowed low and others did the same. Kíli only sighed he had tried to make it clear to them that there was no need to bow for him.

"My prince. Is there something I can do for you?" the employee asked, wiping her hands on her apron.

"I wondered if there were some leftovers from the dinner yesterday. Seems like I missed my chance to get food then" she smiled and bowed again.

"Of course, I'll go and have a look, my prince" a minute later she was back with a plate and a mug of ale.

"Ah, that's perfect. Thank you very much" the girl blushed a little and she swept a curtsy

"You're most welcome, my prince"

"Please, I'm just Kíli. You know me, we used to play together when we lived in the Blue Mountains"

"You remember me?"

"Of course I do"

"I'm sorry, my prince, I did not mean to offend you"

"No harm done, really" he chuckled and to his relief the girl did the same "But I must admit that I have forgotten your name"

"Dalma, my prince"

"Yes, right. Weren't you the girl that we met in the wood one day?"

"That's true, my Lord. I was picking berries and you were hunting"

"Hunting in a very drunk state, I must add. I thought you were a deer at first. Fíli often used it as a joke whenever we went hunting after that. 'Watch out. Maybe it's a fairy instead today'. It's annoying." Dalma started laughing and quickly covered her mouth and apologised "Don't be sorry. That's alright. Why don't you sit down and bear me company?" she seemed to fight with herself and her eyes flickered to her working place "I'll help you afterwards" now she stared at him in shock.

"No, my prince, there is absolutely no need for that. You have more important things to do"

"I think you cooks have the most important jobs. I mean without food, we'd all starve. But without all the king's business we could survive" the girl shrugged but sat down next to him.

"You must miss him" she whispered. It took him a while to figure out what she was talking about. If he was honest, he didn't even think about Fíli being dead anymore. But he only nodded and felt his appetite fade. It was the truth in fact. He missed his brother. Although he knew that he was safe in Ered Luin. Or had he already travelled back to the Shire already? He really hoped that Fíli would send another letter soon. "I miss him too. I mean, I didn't really know him but he was very kind and generous. He would have been such a good king" suddenly she blushed and gasped "Oh, I'm sorry my prince, I didn't mean to imply you wouldn't make a good king" Kíli only shook his head

"No offence taken. It's just the truth that Fíli was better at this things than I will ever be. He just had a feeling for diplomacy and everything else"

"I'm sure you're just as good as your brother. He spent more time preparing to become king than you did yet. In a couple of years you will see that" he looked at Dalma in surprise

"I've actually never seen it from that perspective. But you're right. I'm still learning" Dalma smiled and got up.

"If you could excuse me now. It's better if I go back to work now. If my superior sees me…"

"He wouldn't even get a chance to reprimand you. I'm the prince and I won't allow it" he winked at her what made her blush again. But he saw her smile when she turned around to go back to work.


End file.
